The Angel Academy
by The Love Bug
Summary: Angelic Guideline No.25: An Angel must never enter into a romantic relationship with his/her target, lest it detract from the overall completion of his/her heavenly duties. SasoDei. -Now with added Itachi!-
1. A Brief History Of Heaven

The Angel Academy

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. That includes Naruto.**

**Warnings: Yaoi (lots), rape, made-up legal bollocks, bitchy Itachi and bad writing! First-time fic, ya see. Enjoy!**

Prologue-A Brief History of Heaven

_Angelic Guideline No.25: An angel must never enter into a romantic relationship with his/her human charge, lest it detract from the overall completion of his/her heavenly duties. Any angelic being found to be in direct violation of this guideline will be placed in custody and their case will be reviewed by a jury of their peers._

That's what the book said. But what it really meant was-

_If you start fucking your targets, you're out. _

Deidara was sure that if they had put _that_ in the Angelic Guidelines, he wouldn't be on Earth right now. Absolutely positive, un.

Shall we start at the beginning?

In the beginning there was a Man whom no-one then knew. He was all alone, all alone in the wide blue skies, the dark barren earth; the deepest oceans-there was nothing but this one Man. This Man was God, you say?

Well, perhaps. All I know is that when other Men came along, he lied and claimed that he had made all that they saw before them. Even that he had created Heaven and Hell, used for judging souls for longer than the Earth had existed, even before the original Creator made the universes.

Yes, that's the stars in layman's terms.

Now that other Men had come along, and that one Man had claimed to be God and therefore Lord of All, life was flourishing. Many types of flora and fauna thrived under the rule of this one little Man. He lived a long and happy life, with few opposing his rule. A few Men populated the Earth, as did some dinosaurs and suchlike. They evolved into the species we know and love today-humans and chickens.

No, the first Man was not the first human. Men were made in the image of God, were they not? God has no fixed form. How else could he be omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent all at once? Men are pitiful in comparison to this, humans even more so.

The Creator saw all this happening-indeed; he had made the first Man and all the other original species on Earth. And he saw that the Man claimed to be him, to be God. But he was not annoyed-more amused if anything else.

Surely by now you must have noticed that God has a twisted sense of humour?

Anyway, the Creator, who had the entire universe to watch over (in the manner of a broody chicken), decided to be lenient, and let the Man rule Earth. _In loco parentis_, perhaps. And the Man did well enough, with only minor battles and squabbles with his fellows. However, as his power grew, so did his ego. He claimed that he was the Saviour of Men, and that all should kneel before him. He took the most beautiful Woman he could find for his wife, not caring that she loved another. His egotism knew no bounds-temples and statues were erected in his honour, and all that refused to comply with his very own religion were punished in the most degrading ways he could think of.

He was a real charmer, you know.

Nonetheless, the Creator let him rule. He saw all this, and grew less amused by the Man's antics day by day, but still he let him rule. Why, you ask?

Because all Men die, and this Man was certainly no exception. His life was long, but his death was painful. Shot through the eye with an arrow dipped in the venom of an arrow-tree frog, if I remember correctly. An excruciating way to die, no doubt! There was much rejoicing in the streets that day...

And the Man's soul left his body and travelled up to Above, where souls are judged by the Creator himself (this was still early days-there was no nicely ordered soul-cataloguing system like we use today!). There he met his maker, quite literally, and the Creator was not amused. The Man was brash, arrogant, manipulative and selfish.

He was also fiercely intelligent, loyal (to himself), and an excellent public speaker.

Such was the case that, as this "God" among Men defended himself to the true Lord of All, the Creator was impressed and decided that really, the only way to punish him was to heap an eternity of ruling upon him. He decided that it would be truly beautiful irony if this Man were to be put in charge of the -ahem-kingdom of Heaven.

Not an easy job. For you see, Heaven then was but a jumbled mess of clouds and archways, without rhyme or reason. Those beautiful pearly gates are all that remain of the original framework! All the rest was removed, the blinding lights of virtue and love were eventually confined to certain areas, the clouds were shaped more appropriately, and the Great Castle itself was fashioned out of the purest diamonds. Eventually, Heaven City was spawned when there were too many angels to live in the Castle itself. Roads were built, as were hospitals and schools and courts of law. Great libraries recording every second of every life of every human were founded, ones that will keep on recording until the end of time. The Crystal Gardens were built in honour of the Man's second wife, although by now he was no longer a Man but the first Angel.

And here is his greatest achievement! Before, the souls of the departed (be they human or animal) had just floated aimlessly in a fog of pure Nothing, blissfully ignorant for the rest of eternity. Now this Man saw these wasted minds, and put them to work. Their souls were judged, and the good ones were put to work as the second generation of Angels, working to eradicate sin from humanity, and the bad ones sent down to Hell by the Creator, who initially had the fire-and-brimstone punishment reserved for misbehaving spirits. (Now, however, everyone is sent down there willy-nilly! It's a shambles!)

And to run Heaven, this Man created the Angel Academy.

You know this, you go there. You've read the history books. You've heard the tales of its glorious founder-but do you really know the truth?

Because then the Creator saw the Academy and looked away. He thought we could manage on our own, but he was wrong! Even Angels are sinners in their own ways, and it only took a few twisted Angel officials before the entire system became the cruellest in the universe, punishing the Angels for the most idiotic of crimes.

Some crimes you cannot help but commit, and that was the case made when _falling in love _was outlawed. It's a natural occurrence, the more reasonable Angels said, we can't stop it and it would be monstrous to try. Nonetheless, Angelic Guideline No.25 was soon implemented. Others like it followed, and the _Guide to Your Angelic Duties _became compulsory reading. The Angel Academy was not an institute of learning as it once had been, but a tyrannical power-house, desperate to control every single aspect of their Angel's lives.

High up in the towers of the Great Palace, the Man could do nothing as he lay languishing in his bed, weak and pale. He had been alive far longer than anyone except the Creator could remember, and was growing so, so old. His eyes had long since lost their sparkle, and his wife-a great medic-had tried everything in her power to help him, but to no avail. He had to appoint several deputies to deal with the day-to-day running of Heaven. Huge battles in which the Army of Heaven tried to slaughter as many Demons-walking, talking sin-as possible were fought by order of the Academy. The Man did not know.

And as the Angel Academy grew, so did their hatred of all things 'sinful'. These included Demons, long hot baths and sex before marriage. Angels were required to devote themselves entirely to the purging of sin from individual members of the human race and forgo their own lives. New breeds of Angels, born not from the souls of humans but of two married Angels who had sought a Confirmation of Copulation from their Angelic Supervisor and consulted _The Angel's Guide to Life._ Illegitimate children were unheard of, sex before marriage was all but illegal and intercourse with a human? Death.

But some Angels didn't care much for these rules. One of these was a young blonde named Deidara, who had enough Guideline Warnings for inappropriate conduct, attitude and attire to sink Peter Pan's flying ship. And an Angel who _did_ care for these rules was a slightly older one called Itachi Uchiha. He has his reasons, but he hated Deidara. They are the products of the Angel Academy. There are many more.

You cannot turn your back on a young child for a single minute. That was what the Angel Academy was when the Man created it, and the Creator abandoned it to create something new and interesting before it had even started teething. And now look what you've done, Madara-you're practically an invalid with no power except in memory and you've created a monster the likes of which the Earth has never seen.

Congratulations. I have such hope for the future, don't you?

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**Gee whiz!**

**Reviews would be nice, but only if you feel it's worth it. I don't feel authorised to hold my chapters to ransom...yet. ^_^**

**Next up will be Itachi's 15 minutes of fame.**


	2. Itachi's 15 Minutes

The Angel Academy

Chapter 2-Itachi's 15 Minutes

_Angelic Guideline No. 1: An Angel should place his/her duties in relation to the eradication of sin from humanity first and foremost, regardless of any prior engagements or commitments, and is therefore liable to be summoned to the Angel Academy at any time. Their predetermined Angelic duties will take precedence over any other course of action. This is non-negotiable. _

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Naturally, Itachi was not inclined to smile. He was not inclined to laugh, joke, be happy or take things even remotely lightly. Therefore, when one young bootlicker Angel named Kiba saw the infamous Itachi Uchiha _smiling_ whilst sorting through his paperwork one day in the Legal Affairs Department (First Division) of the Angel Academy, said bootlicker knew this horrifying phenomenon could only bode ill.

He was right.

The small smile that graced Itachi's angular features was one of pure triumph. Arguably, he had never been happier, and as he swept out of his (very) spacious office, complete with Rainbow Peacock Sparklypoo Singing Fountains and a tea-boy, his black heart pounded against the inside of his chest in sheer joy. And as he clutched his papers (all of which had made his day) his pale fingers trembled in exultation, scaring all who happened to pass him in the long, brightly-lit corridor. His big black wings fluttered in exultation, knocking a young Administer of Filing Systems who happened to be passing him into a nearby pool table.

Down, down a whirling labyrinth of corridors all made of glass he went, practically singing for joy, and when he finally reached his destination (after passing what seemed like a thousand potted ferns and portraits of dear Auntie Mildred) he was almost hyperventilating.

_Finally, finally, FINALLY! _

Outside the infamous Courtroom 15, a place he had only been in a few times before, Itachi Uchiha swore on all the sin in Hell that he would have his revenge-or die trying.

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But to understand just _why_ Itachi is so desperately happy, we must first look back, oh, three hundred years? Back to a time when Itachi was younger and more relaxed-you know, less inclined to try and kill his friends.

Then perhaps we can get to the root of this particularly venomous hatred that he had been building up for over three centuries. (Or at the very least start to.)

_Itachi hated crowds._

"_Look, that's him, that's the psycho that went crazy and-"was all he heard whenever he entered a room, and indeed his past was common knowledge. He was young, he had been overworked, frustrated, hormonal, angry, anything that you like-everything except Itachi himself was blamed, and had killed every Uchiha family member that he could find in the space of about 15 minutes one charming Saturday afternoon._

_Three were spared; Madara (the Great Angel himself-but Itachi only knew that he lived in a tower of the Great Castle, nothing more), Obito (who wasn't worth killing, the moron) and Sasuke. He could never have killed little Sasuke, not even if he'd wanted to. _

_Stress, the older Angels had said, and tried to forgive him, but the truth is never that simple. You see, Itachi had realised something the night he cracked and started killing. He realised that sin can never truly be eradicated, at least not from himself. It was a horrible realisation for an Angel._

_For that night he had been consumed by a white-hot rage that filled his body and practically fried his brain, as if all the natural acts of sin that he had been repressing for his whole life had broken free and had fought so hard to get out that in the end, Itachi had let them. From that point onwards, all he was was Sin, and the only way to possibly repent would be to save others from the same terrible fate. Sasuke was first on his list-if his little brother could ever forgive him. _

_Obviously, there were other factors involved-a rebel faction who were trying to blackmail Itachi into becoming their leader and overthrow Madara, Itachi's naturally warped mental state (which had always been a bit fragile), the pressure put upon him as the prodigal heir to the Uchiha legacy, a horrendous assignment involving nineteen Turkish drug dealers on the horizon, and the sheer despondency of going through Angelic puberty. Nonetheless, he was ordered to never be allowed to leave Heaven City after the incident. Itachi was office-bound for life, and he felt it was no more than he deserved-at the time. After all, Angels do not 'go psycho' very often._

_Both Itachi and Deidara were 'pure' Angels, born of two married Angelic parents (who could originally have been human or come from one of the old Angelic clans) and as such very powerful. Itachi had in fact caught the eye of the head Law Enforcers in the First Division of the Angel Academy very early on, due to his raw talents and his strange devotion to The Rules. He was a High Chief Justice in the making._

_Deidara had caught their eyes for very different reasons, although his raw talents were certainly as great as Itachi's. And it was because of these 'different reasons', directly in the aftermath of the tragic Uchiha Massacre, as everybody except Itachi called it, that Itachi was so devoted in his hatred of Deidara. The two went hand in hand, and Itachi took every opportunity he could to make the blonde's life a misery. Hate was rife in his veins, as opposed to blood. It coursed through his body like fire and turned him into a cruel, ignorant fool whose only talents were to hurt and to criticise when Deidara was concerned. _

_But worry not, for the feeling was completely mutual. _

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"Will the jury please be called to order! Order, I say!"

"Well, _maybe_ if you hadn't insisted that I come with you bastards immediately, yeah, I would have had time to GET CHANGED AND NOT ARRIVE IN A TOWEL, UN! Then maybe they wouldn't be fucking staring so much!"

Itachi could practically taste the little _not that I really mind _that Deidara had neglected to add on to his charming little speech, and it made his blood boil. And as he thrust open the heavy wooden doors of the dreaded Courtroom 15 his pale, angular features were twisted into an all-too-familiar expression of pure unadulterated malice.

He often wore this when around Deidara. Indeed, it was almost impossible to be civil when around such an obnoxious...was bastard really the right word? His parents _had _been married, although Itachi would not have been at all surprised were the blonde secretly half-Demon, for all the sins he delighted in.

Oh, but one mustn't think such uncharitable thoughts.

"_COURT IN SESSION!" _

Oh, yes. Back to the task in hand! Itachi quickly entered the large, chilly room (made completely of marble, you know), crossing the floor in the manner of a very hurried person indeed. His ever-so-slightly high heeled shoes clanked on the marble, and the echoes reverberated around the room.

Everyone turned to stare at him instead.

_Exactly as it should be._ And as the High Chief Justice banged his little hammer with all his might (which was considerable, for whilst Sarutobi was not a large man, he was very well-muscled), Itachi climbed into his very favourite box of all-The Prosecutor's Box. Oh, he did love a good trial.

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Meanwhile, Deidara was freezing his arse off-quite literally.

For Courtroom 15 was a very chilly room, and he had been dragged away from his wonderful, warm shower by three highly unpleasant Angelic Law Enforcers claiming that he had _violated yet another Angelic Guideline and had to come with them immediately yadda yadda yadda..._Deidara had, quite frankly, been far too busy trying to find some clothes than listen to the drones of the Angel Academy minions, who in_ his_ opinion had the combined IQ of a doormat and about as much tact when removing a blonde from a shower.

So now he was here, clad in nothing but a wet towel and his own beauty (which was not to be scoffed at, let me tell you!). Long, very long and bright blonde hair fell down his back in a way that was extremely attractive when dry and sunny, but not at all pleasant when wet and cold. His large yellow wings, gold in sunlight, eerie in the dark, fluttered gently as they tried to dry off. Trickles of water ran down his smooth, lightly tanned skin, down his long, slim legs and across his chest. His graceful, elegant hips were concealed by the towel, but his slim, almost feminine waist and nicely formed chest were visible to all. His expression was one of defiant amusement (although his usually pink lips were blue with cold). With high cheekbones, a fine jawline and unusual, slanted eyes, so dark and yet _so_ bright, his smile could be forgiven for being so crazily mad. Were there an Angelic version of Bel Ami, Deidara's unique looks-even among Angels-would have made him first on their wish list, despite the complete inability other Angels had deciphering his gender.

Yes, he was fully aware that his nipples were erect. And that every single member of the jury (white males aged 1670-3910) was staring at him with undisguised lust.

Furthermore, Itachi was staring at him with gleefully undisguised malice. What a surprise. Some people, eh? Ya do one miniscule thing wrong and they use you as a magnet for their denial-fuelled hate for centuries!

Well, _darling-_shall we dance?

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"Are you Deidara Awarii, Angelic Candidate No.43215, of 97 Woonsocket Avenue, currently in residence with Obito Uchiha and acting member of the Angel Academy, Fourth Division?"

_Play it whilst you can._ Deidara leaned in, letting his hair fall forward and, batting his eyelashes in the High Chief Justice's direction, practically fell out of his towel.

"_The one and only, un_."

Said in the huskiest, most seductive voice he could manage, he could have sworn that several of the jury fell out of their seats. Perverts, yeah. Are these who really who we let run our heavenly kingdom? It's shocking...

Itachi stiffened, and the judge frowned. The young Court Scribe-Deidara identified him as a young Official-In-Training named Sai-didn't bat an eyelid. Kudos to him! He spotted a potential troublemaker at last.

"Very well. The court is here today to charge Deidara Awarii with the breaches of Angelic Guidelines No. 1, 2, 4, 12, 16, 25, 31 and 48...again. I presume you all know the drill?"

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Deidara'd heard all this a thousand times before and been charged with it a thousand times more. The voices just drifted over him as the cold air sent shivers down his spine.

_Angelic Guideline No.1, neglecting my duties-hardly! I have a fabulous success rate, un..._

_Angelic Guideline No.2, actually using the damn Book of Angelic Tyranny...oops...._

_Angelic Guideline No.4, talking back to your elders and betters...guilty as charged, honey! Bring it on!_

_Angelic Guideline No.12? Wasn't that something about the dress code? Aren't I violating that right now, yeah?_

_Angelic Guideline No.16...paranoid bastards-like I would actually feel inclined to prattle on about Heaven with the stupid humans, un-it'd bore them stiff..._

_Did the Guidelines even go up to 48? He certainly didn't know._

_And finally the old favourite, Angelic Guideline No.25. Which, actually-_

"Excuse me, Mr High Chief Justice Sir? Could I have a minute, un?" Sweet as sugar and as fluffy as a cloud, he was. Just a very dangerous cloud with some serious psychological issues.

Sarutobi looked rather annoyed at having been stopped reading out Deidara's (very) long list of charges and paid the blonde no attention. The venom in Itachi's glares, had, however, doubled.

"Oh, please Mr Justice Sir! It won't take a minute, un!" He was fully aware that every member of the jury was imagining him under their fat, pale bodies, panting and moaning that right now. Or not. What can I say? Deidara had a highly overactive imagination, especially when it involved himself and sex.

"_What, Mr Awarii?"_

Deidara smirked, and stretched very luxuriously. "Oh, Mr Justice Sir, I'd just like to point out that I can't be in violation of Angelic Guideline No.25, un, as at no point during my assignment did I actually sleep with my target (one Mr Genma Shiranui of Konohagakure), yeah, and therefore you cannot charge me as _such._ Furthermore, yeah, as we harboured no romantic feelings for each other and as I told him nothing at all about our glorious institution up here and kept basically to the rules you really can't charge me at all, un-"

"_That is a lie."_

Deidara scowled. Trust Itachi to go poking his big nose into other people's business, the slimy rat bastard.

"And who asked you, yeah?"

The older man remained impassive. "As Chief Prosecutor for this case, I am entitled to say whatever I like in reference to your shambolic behaviour during the course of your Angelic duties."

"Shambolic, un? You wound me, weasel-arse. As if you have any idea what a mission is like, yeah! You just sit at your desk and look at underage-boy porn-"

"ORDER IN COURT! I WILL NOT HAVE THIS SILLY BICKERING IN MY COURTROOM!"

Aw, jeez. Sarutobi looked annoyed, and much earlier than usual. Perhaps he had had a bad day? Better make nice, and quick. (Occasionally Deidara thought in garbled gangster talk-some childhood trauma, perhaps?)

"Oh, terribly sorry Mr High Chief Justice Sir-"

"He is lying."

Sarutobi, faced flushed, took a deep breath and glared at the bickering Angels. Sai looked faintly amused, the jury simply resigned to their fates. This was, after all, standard Itachi vs. Deidara fare.

"Very well, Mr Uchiha-will you please enlighten us as to why Mr Awarii is lying?" The small, dark-skinned man groaned inwardly. Was his karma really this bad? He had never mugged old ladies in his previous life on Earth, he had raised his children well...why was the afterlife punishing him so?

Itachi's face was blank, but he drew a (very) deep breath and inside smiled a tiny smile of hatred as his dark eyes took in the blonde, who was draped wantonly over the side of the box (if that was even possible). _Whore, _his mind supplied. _Cheap, dirty, full of sin. But not like you._

_Worse?_

"So why am I lying, Itachi-kun, yeah? I'm sure I could never lie to _you, un..._" The surprisingly deep, velvety voice cut through his thoughts like a rusty fish slice.

_Worse._

"Mr Awarii is lying when he says that he has not breached Angelic Guideline No.25 because we have reliable and extremely substantial evidence that during the fourteen human months he was assigned to Mr Genma Shiranui, aged thirty-three of 12 Ichiraku Street, Konohagakure, Fire Country, he repeatedly performed oral sex and several other acts of sexual gratification upon Mr Genma Shiranui in a manner that could easily have been interpreted as romantic."

Sarutobi sighed, and his dark brown wings drooped slightly. _Here we go again, boys..._

"Yeah, but I never actually slept with the guy, right? Ergo, you can't charge me, yeah. Besides, look at my mission success rate-I've never had a failed assignment in my life, un! I've simply proven that a tiny bit of unromantic sex really helps the poor little humans get back on their feet, yeah! In fact, I've discovered that their main problems are all really caused because they're horny or their partner broke up with them, un. So technically you should be hailing me as a _genius._"

The blonde smirked. Itachi carried on regardless. Justice _would _be served, hopefully with chips and without the customary side-order of coleslaw.

"However, Mr Awarii breached the Acceptable Attire Codes on almost seventeen occasions during the fourteen month period..."

Sarutobi knew it was going to be a long day.

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"And although we have taken all the evidence showing Mr Awarii to be in violation of Angelic Guidelines No 1,2, 4, 12 ,16, 25, 31 and 48 we have come to the conclusion that as of yet none of his crimes have been heinous enough to warrant the revoking of his Angelhood and his permanent removal from Heaven. Apologies, Mr Uchiha. Furthermore, as Mr Awarii possesses considerable skills in the field of the Fourth Division and is a great asset to the Angel Academy, we are forced to conclude that he is free to go-"

Sai smiled, and Deidara smirked like Billy Idol. Sarutobi sighed, the jury ogled a bit. And Itachi just looked _mad._

"-with a Level Nine Warning."

Well, that perked Itachi up! Angelic Warnings were given in levels. Level Ten meant proper, deeply serious punishment. Of course it depended on the crime, but this meant that one more strike and Deidara was out of his Heavenly life forever! Hallelujah!

"You know what that means, Mr Awarii. The Angel Academy is giving you one last chance to redeem yourself, but if you seriously breach one more Guideline-"

But his words fell on deaf ears, for Deidara Awarii, Heaven's most notorious flirtbirter, was already strolling out of the enormous double doors of Courtroom 15 with as much grace as a ditz in a towel could manage.

His soul had not been purged of sin. Itachi had failed once again.

"_Oh my God, Itachi! What have you done? You're covered in blood!"_

"_Itachi, why? You were so happy beforehand..."_

"_No, no, Brother...I forgive you. After all, we're family."_

"_Charges...repealed. However, we deem it prudent..."_

"_You've never even had a life, yeah! You're still a fucking virgin!"_

"_Oh, but he's been doing so well...completely recovered from the trauma, you know..."_

"_And why exactly would I know that you loved me? Surely this is your fault for not expressing..."_

"_Quite frankly, Sasuke, I don't trust your older brother, not anymore..."_

"_Oh, but the poor boy had so much potential inside him..."_

"_...and you'll never leave this fucking City, un. That's not a life, that's just a failure, un! You're pathetic..."_

When a person is truly alone, all they can do is think. But some thoughts, Itachi had long ago decided, were far too painful to remember.

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**This is the worst chapter!**

**My gosh, that was crap. Strange, choppy, and thoroughly nasty. Sorry. Next chapter will be Deidara-centric, with some Tsunade, but the boring history is nearly over. Deidara's last name is random and completely imaginary. Nonetheless, if you say it fast enough you get Deidawawaee, and that's very fun to say. **

**See you next time!**

**(Warning-the next chapter will contain less pointless dialogue but plenty of underage boy-rape.)**


	3. Deidara Tells All

The Angel Academy

Chapter 3-Deidara Tells All

_Angelic Guideline No.2: During the course of their Angelic duties an Angel will be expected to have their copy of The Guide to Your Angelic Duties, a complete set of the Guidelines, and their mission statements and all relevant paperwork so that their assignments can be documented as swiftly as possible. These are expected to be on an Angel's person at all times. If at any point an Angel goes against a direct Guideline, loses their individual copy or refuses to consult the Guidelines, then he/she will face immediate reprobation._

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In human years, Deidara Awarii was but nineteen years old. In Angel years, he was about four hundred and ten.

That's young. Very young.

Yet in this short short time he had managed to live a life as eventful and fulfilling as any Angel could ever dare to hope for. He had confidence, beauty, intelligence (debatable, according to Itachi), and the Angel Academy constantly trying to convict him as a criminal.

But all men start somewhere, and I'm positive that without the Angel Academy, Deidara could have turned out perfectly normal. It is said that a few key events shape the course of your life long before you have any true control over your destiny, and this is certainly true here. Perhaps you know what I am talking about, perhaps not.

Little does he know that the biggest event in his life is looming on the dark horizon, an event that will shake his world forever, and will change him beyond recognition-for better or for worse?

But that is for the future. They do things differently there. We know this because we are just Angels-all we can do is look into the past and sigh.

A thing that cannot be changed-something an Angel hates more than anything in the entire universe!

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"_Hey, little lady-how you doin'?"_

_The grimy, dingy bar was on the wrong side of the Pearl River, and full of the worst kinds of people. Even Heaven has sinners, and it was right by these sinners that a very young, very pretty Deidara had to walk by every night to get back home from his harpsichord lessons (he had long ago decided that harps were for wimps)._

_He was just two hundred years old-that's about twelve in human years-and lived in a large, attractive house on the right side of the River with his mother and father. Yes, they were still alive. And happy. Deidara had a lovely garden swing to play on, his beautiful yellow wings were growing day by day, he had a loving albeit small family, his pet tarantula hadn't eaten anything yet, and he was excelling in his classes at the prestigious Angel Academy._

_For the early years of his life, Deidara had been happy. And when he got lonely, as only children are wont to do, he simply went outside, got a huge pile of muddy clay and tried to blow it all to smithereens. _

_At school he had many friends-he had two best friends, one being his beloved tarantula, people had silly little crushes on him, in Gym class he never had to ask the teacher for a partner. _

_Yes, happy. His life looked set to be absolutely perfect and completely atypical-he'd complete school, go to work in a branch of the Angel Academy, he'd get married and lose his virginity to a nice polite man whom his parents had agreed on as all good Angels should. Then he'd work a bit more, or have a child a bit earlier than usual. He'd be promoted because of his skills and power, maybe even end up being a Deputy for Madara, the Great Angel. He could sculpt all he wanted, and his husband would put the smaller sculptures on their mantelpiece, out of reach of little Freddie and Erica. Humans would be saved, more Angels would be produced. A charming future, and at no point would his own personal preferences be taken into account. By Angel standards, a wonderful life._

_But not so for darling Deidara! For cruel Mistress Fate has a habit of sending apparently predetermined destinies spiralling off into the most unusual directions, and Deidara's was one such destiny._

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"Hey, little lady-how you doin'? You wanna come on over here and sit on my lap, eh? Aw, cutie, don't be shy, we'll take good care o' ya..."

Deidara shivered and pulled his nice winter coat (an extravagantly woolly number) around himself even tighter. He didn't like the men who frequented the run-down bars and warehouses that were scattered along the West Bank of the River-they reeked of alcohol and always referred to him as a girl. Technically, he should have been walking along the road to the Crystal Gardens on the other side of the district right about now, but that was such a _long_ walk home! This was quicker, just a bit less...tasteful.

_Morons, un. _

The innuendo continued, as it had every day for the past five months, and it was all Deidara could do now to just keep his head down and walk on by. Not to worry though, they were just harmless old drunks. Right?

Er, not quite. For there are many types of Angel, and many types of Demon, and undoubtedly the most hated of all are the ones who are neither.

Not an Angel and not a Demon, but a mix of both. An Angel gone so bad their bodies, their very minds have begun to turn demonic. Rare, obviously, but very dangerous to a young Angel on the wrong side of the River. These _Dangels_ have so much sin in them, it hurts older Angels to look at them, and they are caught and sent down to Hell whenever possible. Shunned by the Angel Academy when they were first discovered, they tend to harbour deep resentment for any Angelic Officials they come across, and won't think twice about attacking an innocent Angel.

Unfortunately, the ANBU Angels hadn't been doing their jobs that day, and one big, brawny Dangel sat at a table outside _The Pink Panther_, Deidara's favourite place in the entire world. Isn't Fate cruel?

The man was very tall and well-muscled, with a hard, brazen face and cruel dark eyes. His skin was a nasty combination of dark tan and irregular red blotches, a direct result of his ongoing transition into a Demon. Unruly black hair, thick and coarse, coated his chest and head, with spatterings on his arms and chin. His wings were large and scaly, as opposed to feathery. All in all, a thoroughly unpleasant bloke who could easily drink your booze-queen Auntie Nessie under the table, and eat her Rottweiler puppy afterwards. Raw.

All the other Angels had surrounded him, drinking up his bad-boy aura and hoping that a shred of it might transcend onto them. They had been drinking and arguing much more than usual, mainly to impress the new guy, and were all thoroughly sozzled.

Ergo, when young Deidara, all wrapped up in his woolly mittens and death-of-sheep coat, passed them by they were a lot more vocal than usual, calling out chat-up lines and insults with considerable delight.

"_Oi, Blondie, what're you wearing 'neath that coat? Can we take a look-see? Huh? Can we?"_

"_So Honey, how d'ya feel about swallowing? Aargh, I feel like crap..."_

"_Hey, Sugar-you wanna come sit on my lap? I'll let you play with my monkey..."_

"_Aw, babe, surely earning a little extra pocket money can't hurt? All ya gotta do is kneel down..."_

They weren't serious, but the threats scared our little blonde and he ran on faster than before. Rape was unheard of in Heaven City, but he seriously didn't want to end up having to explain to his parents that the reason he couldn't marry Perfect Albert was because he hadn't managed to fight off some horny drunks a few hundred years ago.

Nonetheless, the eyes and ears of one man had been alert throughout this entire exchange. The Dangel had listened to the threats, witnessed the boy's reaction and now asked his brand new Group o' Drunks a perfectly serious question.

"Did you mean that? Would you rape the kid?" Said in complete seriousness, the drunk Angels fell over themselves trying to explain to their nice new guest that _no, of course not, we'd never actually do that to him, it's more of a friendly banter than anything else, lovely kid really..._

"Wimps". Who'd have thought that one little word could hold so much contempt for Angelkind? And with that the big, nasty-looking Dangel took off into the night. He didn't say where he was going.

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A few minutes later, the Dangel caught up with Deidara. The young blonde had been standing by the bank of the Pearl River, trying to calm himself down. At age two hundred he was still very innocent, and had little clue as to how babies were made, let alone what _swallowing _meant! The comments had hurt him badly.

He wouldn't tell his mother, though. She'd make him give up his harpsichord lessons if he knew, and he was having such a good time! His teacher, Miss Pickles, said he was a real talent...With these thoughts in his mind, Deidara completely failed to notice the arrival of the sinister Dangel until it was far too late.

"_Bite and I'll kill you." _

Deidara barely had time to register that a large hand was over his mouth, another arm was around his waist and that he was in a very dangerous situation in which crying for Mummy might not be the best option before he was dragged, kicking and struggling with all his puny might, into a nearby alleyway. It was dark, dirty, and smelt strangely of dog. The hand was still over his mouth.

Therefore, Deidara ignored the obvious warning signs and bit down with all his force on the offending appendage. The man roared in pain-but didn't let go. Instead he backhanded Deidara across the face with such force that had he not been constrained by the Dangel's burly arms, the boy would have been sent flying across the filthy alleyway.

"_Eeeargh! You little bitch! Well, now I guess I'll have to kill you..."_

And with Deidara's terrified face in his mind, the man dropped the blonde on the muddy ground below and lowered himself on top of the boy, removing his clothes all the while. Deidara himself was frozen in fear-he had absolutely no idea what was going on. Was this all because he bit the nasty-looking man? Why was he removing his trousers?

First to come off was Deidara's beloved coat, which was flung into some corner. He whimpered at the cold, and the man noticed this and chuckled darkly.

"_You'll get it back once we've finished." _What can I say? He was a man of few words.

Next were Deidara's soft white scarf, jumper and shirt, and Deidara was becoming more and more aware that being naked around this man was Not A Good Thing. He tried to wrap his pretty yellow wings around him, but to no avail.

The man had removed his trousers, and was busy in the process of removing Deidara's own when he noticed that the blonde still had his fuzzy woollen mittens on. He glared.

"_Off."_

"No way, un! No-hey, get off my gloves, yeah, get off you-oh, I'll tell my Mummy on you so badly-"

But Deidara's would-be rapist was far too busy staring at the clever little mouths on Deidara's small hands to pay any attention to his words. And then, suddenly, whilst still stripping Deidara, he threw back his head and laughed-a hacking, throaty rumble.

Deidara looked annoyed."What, yeah? I'll have you know that these are perfectly natural and nothing to do with my Daddy, whatever Mummy says-"

The man wiped a tear from his gleaming eyes. "Oh, those stupid drunks were right. You really_ are _the perfect little whore. Can you suck?"

"What, un?"

But he never got an answer, for he was now completely naked on the cold ground, and the big Dangel had straddled his hips, blatantly thrusting his erection in the blonde's pretty face. He was, Deidara idly noticed, absolutely _covered _in hair. Eugh, how utterly revolting it must be to have to clean all that, his own head-hair was bad enough but more? No thank you...Clearly, the full danger of his situation had passed Deidara by (for the moment, at any rate).

And then the man leaned down and got very close to Deidara's face, who had figured that struggling would only earn him another bruise. His hairy chin scraped against Deidara's throat, and those large, calloused hands began to wander across the blonde's thin little body. He smelt of whiskey, but he wasn't acting drunk-until he suddenly seized Deidara with incredible force and began to kiss him. It was rough and painful and messy and the feel of the man's tongue inside his mouth was horrible, so naturally Deidara panicked and tried to push the larger man away but once again to no avail. He continued to kiss him in the way one would perhaps kiss a pretty whore, if one felt the need. Delicacy was unheard of, as was consideration of Deidara's flushed cheeks in relation to the man's painful stubble.

Deidara really wanted to get home now. He was cold, muddy and quite scared, and his wings were bruised and wet from where he had been pushed into a puddle. He seriously hoped the man had finished kissing him now, because it wasn't very pleasant.

But alas and alack, Fate was against him that day, for no sooner had the man pulled away from Deidara's hot, plump mouth that he was kneeling over him, erection in face and telling him to suck. Suck what, exactly?

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To this day, he tries not to think about The Incident, as his charming parents dubbed it. But of course he can remember it. Vividly, Deidara can recall his mouth being forced open and the man's penis shoved inside. He can recall every thrust the man made, every time he himself gagged. The way he cried for his mother, and begged to be let go and how the warm tears streamed down his cheeks as the man came inside his mouth. How he was made to swallow every last drop of cum the bastard could produce, before choking and begging to be let go some more.

And then he remembers how naked and cold he was, and how the man offered to "warm him up". How truly terrified he was as the man forced his bruised, skinny legs apart and pushed something very strange and painful inside him, in a place he was sure things weren't meant to go. How he had no idea what was going to happen, or what was going on. Would he make it out of this alive? He'd never been told, but the man seemed to know and his large rough hands were wandering all over his body, touching and pinching him, scratching him deeply. Blood mixed with the dirt on the ground and the man just _laughed, _laughed at what he had done to a young, innocent child.

It only got worse as Hairy Bastard-he never knew his name, no-one did-began to push inside him. Then Deidara began to scream. It was hot and messy and uncomfortable and unbelievably painful to someone whose worst injury up until that point had been a sprained ankle. The man just pushed and pushed and pushed inside him, and Deidara remembers his throat being very sore by this point. And then the fucker comes but Deidara doesn't and he doesn't know what's going on or why there's blood _everywhere_, but he can feel it oozing out of him he thinks and all he really knows is that that was the most painful, scary thing that's ever happened to him in his short life.

Suddenly, the man is gone. A few quick kicks to the boy, who is still sobbing and panting on the floor and a murmur to _"not mention this to anyone at all, bitch" _and he is gone, clothes in hand.

Deidara is left to pick up the pieces. Still crying and still bleeding, he tries to stand up but it hurts _so_ _much_, so he crawls. He drags his clothes back on, for once not caring about the dirt. He finds his soft woollen mittens and wraps his scarf securely around his aching mouth. Then, trying to stand once more, he fumbles around in the half-light for his lovely white coat. After some searching, he finds it in a grimy puddle, and all he can think about is how mad Mummy will be when she finds out that he got his brand-new coat dirty because she told him specially that he had to look after it and that it would be very hard to wash because of the lining and now it's all filthy and he just collapses to the floor and sobs into the coat for what seems like an eternity.

Eventually he is found by a nice, kind lady Angel with enormous breasts and pretty hazel wings whom he makes promise that she won't touch him in any way at all and that she'll help wash his coat. It's revealed that she was part of a search party sent out by his frantic parents, who had realised something was wrong when the night had fallen and their son had not come home. The Angel Academy had been contacted, and Deidara's individual Angelic Signature, recorded since birth, had been traced to an area around the lower sides of the West Bank. The technology was not perfect, but it certainly helped and four Angels from the Third Division had been dispatched right away to find the errant boy.

This lady, Tsunade, just happened to find him lying in the Alleyway of Hell, still sobbing and clutching his poor coat. It's all he can focus on.

If Tsunade is worried about his condition, she does well not to show it and quickly contacts the other Angels to tell them to head back, they'll be needed later on. Deidara doesn't register this. He's busy trying to make sure the lady won't touch him again, even though she's promised. He thinks he can trust her, but he's still so scared and when he's delivered into his anxious mother's arms, a soaking wet, filthy, bloody pile of dirty clothes, feathers and blonde hair, all he can do is sob. Great, dry heaving sobs that make his throat and chest sting. She cries too, overjoyed to have him back and his father moves to embrace him but he yells and clutches to his mother even harder.

"Don't touch me, un! Don't you dare come anywhere near me! PLEASE!"

Tsunade steps forward and her face looks grave. Mr and Mrs Awarii, she says, I'm afraid your son has gone into shock. I believe something terrible has happened, she says. She looks at the boy, still weeping into his mother's dress.

"_-I'm sorry I'm sorry I got my coat all dirty and I'm so so sorry I tried so hard to keep it clean but this man came and it got all dirty and I knew you'd be mad and I'm really sorry Mummy please don't be mad at me don't be mad it was an accident I swear-" _

Rape? His father says, his voice grave. Not in Heaven, surely? But whom..? The question is left to hang. Tsunade sighs deeply, and a nice lady called Shizune brings them all a cup of herbal tea. She also brings her pig, Tonton.

"Deidara, would you like to meet Tonton? He's a very loveable animal. And what about some tea?"

He drinks the tea, desperate to get the taste of Hairy Bastard's cum out of his mouth, and then crouches down on the floor. He fully intends to make friends with Tonton.

As the grown-ups talk, Deidara talks to Tonton. Looking back, he can still remember talking about how much pain he was in and how thirsty he was and how much he hated boiled celery. Oh, what a lonely child he must have been. And then his parents nod, and his mother sniffs-she's been crying some more, but not out of relief. Her big blue eyes-eyes that he inherited-are red and sore-looking. His father's handsome face is grim, and in the light his normally beautiful blonde hair looks almost grey.

"Deidara" his mother asks, very gently, very softly, "we just need to ask you a few questions about what happened. Is that ok, honey?" Her voice breaks on the last word, and his father holds her hand, even though he's been told to stay way back. Tsunade and Shizune approach and Shizune offers up Tonton.

"Would you like to hold him, Deidara?"

"Yes please, un. Thank you." Thank you. Yeah.

Deidara, listen to me, Tsunade says. You can trust me. I am a doctor, she says. I am also Madara Uchiha's wife and am able to deal with anything you can throw at me. I won't force you, but I _will _get the truth out of you, so it would help us all if you can tells us now. We won't breathe a word. Tsunade, it seems, is not a master of tact.

Shizune is nicer. But then they start asking questions, and it seems that neither of them are very nice actually but his parents say nothing and Deidara can just barely choke out his answers.

"_What were you doing on the West Bank?"_

"_What happened after that?"_

"_Who was this man? Did you recognise him from somewhere?"_

"_When will you realise that your safety is more important than your coat?"_

So he tells his story. He tells them all what the man said, and what he did and when and where and about the mud and the mind-numbing pain and about the cuts and the bruises, some of which are in plain view. And through it all Tsunade looks grave, Shizune tries to smile for his benefit, his mother just cries quietly, and wants to hold him but Tonton is in the way and Deidara does seem to love that pig. The final member of the party, Deidara's father, looks angrier than Deidara has ever seen him. _Please please please don't be mad at me I swear I didn't ask for this-_

"I'll kill him. I'll bloody kill him. If that BASTARD thinks that he can touch MY CHILD, my son like that then he's got another thing coming-"

"Quentin, please!" His mother is upset and she clutches at the man. "Please. We can have him brought to justice later-right now what matters is that Deidara is okay. Quentin, please."

His father nods, but still looks murderous. Tsunade then asks his parents to leave. She'll be examining his injuries, and if they're as serious as they look then it might be too upsetting for them. Besides, she needs peace and quiet to work in, she adds-whilst throwing a meaningful glare at the still irate Quentin.

His parents leave, but Tonton stays and as Tsunade and Shizune gently remove his clothes, remove all the dirt and treat his wounds he clutches the pig and his now greyish coat like there's no tomorrow.

Because for him there really can't be. He's ruined now.

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You could have said that The Incident was the beginning of the end of Deidara's short life. Now he knows just what he lost that night-his virginity to a psychopathic stranger, yes, his innocence, his virtue, his grip on his sanity. His morals, his hopes, his trust and all his happy little dreams.

And although he now knows exactly what the Dangel was doing, and possibly why, it doesn't make it any better. Because of this loss of innocence-the backbone of the Angel Academy-so early on, one could have said he was doomed from the very start.

So, what with being brutally raped at a heinously young age and treated like a complete freak because of it, one would think that Deidara's life could get no worse, correct?

No. Because a few decades later, the Demon Rebellions started in Hell and spilled over into Heaven. Massive Holy Armies eager to embark on glorious crusades were formed, going to purge the Underworld of sin, by order of the Angel Academy.

It was a bloodbath. Hundreds of Angels and hundreds of Demons were slaughtered, and Deidara's loving parents happened to be among the dead. His world was, for the second time, ripped out from underneath him. Damn you, Angel Academy.

He had little family, except on Earth with his mother's sisters. His father's aristocratic Angelic relatives had been decimated in the battles that Madara never knew about and that Tsunade couldn't stop. Thus he became a ward of the Angel Academy, as did many other children his age. Only it was a little different for him, because in Heaven your virginity was highly prized and Deidara, obviously, didn't have it. In very cruel ways he was shunned and alienated, just when he needed people the most. His face became well-known amongst the higher-up Angels.

In human years he would have been about fourteen. So, so young. And still so pretty.

But it doesn't end there. Oh no. Deidara got a little bit older and a whole lot wiser and started to do things that no normal Angel would ever dare to do. But he was ruined anyway, so what could it possibly matter?

And then he met Itachi.

**I haven't even got to the main point of the story yet, I'm just wittering on about Itachi and Deidara! Jeez!**

**First time writing rape, but I did enjoy writing this chapter (not to sound like a paedophile or anything!) so feel free to tell me what you think. And ignore the terrible pun on Dangel, pls. ^^**

**See you next time!**


	4. Greetings, Earthlings!

The Angel Academy

Chapter 4-Greetings, Earthlings!

_Angelic Guideline No.3: An Angel's purpose is to eradicate sin from humanity-ergo, no Angel or Angelic being is authorised to commit acts of sin themselves, under any circumstances. Any Angel found willingly embracing Demonic or human ways will be decreed un-Angelic and confined to the kingdom of Heaven, so as not to spread their corrupting influence. This verdict is final, as embracing or refusing to help eradicate sin directly violates the cardinal values that the Angel Academy operates on. _

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It's a grim place to live, Amegakure. All it does is rain, rain, rain. All the time. An endless symphony of tears, beating relentlessly against your window pane, those large, wet drops hammering into your skull, becoming almost unbearable until-

"_Pein, you asshole-can't you do something about this weather?"_

"_I already told you, I only have limited control over the weather! I'm not actually God, you know! Besides, I warned you that it rained all year round when you came here..."_

Sasori no Akasuna was from the deserts of Wind Country, wherethe days were boiling and the nights freezing and where water was their most valued commodity. But _that_, he reasoned, was because it didn't rain all year! He scowled petulantly.

The ginger-haired man next to him groaned. "Bloody hell, Sasori, don't start sulking because of the weather! I never said I could make the sun shine, did I?"

A blue-haired woman called Konan agreed with this, whilst a tallish, bare-chested and rather good-looking man seated at the edge of their table chuckled. Knowing Hidan, this probably wouldn't be good.

"Ya know what" the man said, quite slowly and toying with an odd-looking rosary all the while, "I think that if you fucking sinners would just repent and convert to Jashinism then he'd make the weather peachy. Bloody good, eh?"

Sasori, Pein and Konan just looked at him.

"Okay, okay, no need to glare, bitches! Why don't we all just strip and do a motherfucking raindance on the table to keep Mr Asshole here fucking rosy?" Hidan held his hands up in defeat, but kind of hoping that they'd agree. Sasori was surprisingly hot, and Konan was a_ chick_, y'know. And when a chick dances...

A voice behind them startled the group.

"I'm up for that, guys! I love dancing!"

And then another voice (or rather, voices.)

"Oh God, please don't. Kisame, you naked is a picture we don't need. **Although..."**

It was, of course, Kisame and Zetsu come to join them at their little table in Amegakure's only bar. Small-town story? I don't know what you mean...

The two men plonked themselves down on the worn-out read leather, in between Konan and Pein, chattering and joking all the while. Both were tall broad men (and Zetsu had a tendency to wear big green collars-something about espionage) so it was, as always, a tight fit.

Now only one member of their little gang was missing. Pein voiced the inevitable. With a sigh and a hand through his hair, he spoke to no-one in particular. "Where the hell is Kakuzu? Doesn't he know that tonight was the night we very definitely earmarked for planning the Big Heist?"

But Kakuzu hadn't arrived yet, so the Akatsuki (for it is they) ordered drinks, as any hard-nosed motorcycling leather-wearing criminals are wont to do. They waited another five minutes. Kisame offered to sing, and Sasori offered to slice him up and serve him as sushi. Konan looked very tempted. Another five minutes, and Hidan had hit the dance floor with full force, swaying his hips as if his life depended on it. Zetsu was arguing with the bartender about the scotch they'd ordered ("We wanted ice, **we got no ice!**), Kisame was giggling about something with Pein and Konan was trying to get Sasori to talk.

"Come on, tell me what's wrong" she wheedled, making her eyes very big and innocent whilst waving a gin and tonic underneath his nose. "Go on, 'Sori. _Pleeeeease..."_

"No." His dark red fringe had fallen into his face, and flat brown eyes stared out at her from a bed of contempt. "Nothing's wrong, woman!"

Konan didn't buy it. "Look, moron, I've known you for twelve years and I can tell that something's pissed you off just by the way you're sitting. You can't fool me!"

"Eh? Really? How? Sasori was intrigued. It wasn't the first time he'd heard the I-can-read-you-like-a-book-so-there speech, but the first time his seating habits had been included in it. Konan smiled a smile of triumph.

"Well, I can tell you're miserable because you're all hunched over your drink, whereas normally you sit up really straight because you have non-existent height issues-"

This was fair enough. Sasori did indeed like to stand up straight, as he'd been a very short adolescent. It hadn't been until he was eighteen than he'd had a growth spurt, and he'd almost cried with joy when he had, at age 20, reached six foot. Unequivocally the best day of his life, that was.

"-and this shows that you're miserable because you really don't care. Also, your face looks like a skunk farted into in it." Konan giggled a little.

"_Hey!"_

But whatever else he was going to say was lost as the entire west side of the Only Bar in Ame exploded in a fiery inferno worthy of Dante Alighieri, and Kakuzu came cartwheeling through the debris, machine gun in hand.

"OUT OUT OUT YOU FUCKERS, THEY'RE ON TO US! HIDAN, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DANCING? MOVE IT!"

Guns blazed and the fire raged as the Special Ops policemen from some nearby village burst through the blaze and started shooting. But the Akatsuki were long gone, sprinting like cheetahs into the inky black night. The police decided not to follow-they'd catch the bastards one day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fire in the Only Bar in Ame hadn't been put out by the time Sasori began to walk home, and he could see the bright tongues of flame leaping high into the night. He sniffed disdainfully-a pretty sight perhaps, but it would be over so soon. Useless in the long run. Not even _close_ to being Art.

Through the dark, twisty streets of Amegakure's Fish District he walked, eager to get away from his friends. They would just fuss and bother over him and he _really_ didn't want that. The redhead sighed a melancholy sigh once again and walked a little more slowly, relishing the clacks his boots made against the shiny wet cobbles of the pavement, desperate not to think. God, when had he gotten so emo?

_Concentrate on the meeting, Akasuna, think about that. _

He scrunched up his eyes (a truly bad idea when the night is young and the pavements are wet) and tried to remember what had happened.

_So...Kakuzu arrived , police in tow, so we all ran and Kisame tripped over and 'accidentally' clobbered one of the policeman who was chasing him with Samehade and then we all went to our warehouse that stinks of fish and discussed the Big Heist._

_Keep on going, you're nearly home. _

_Next...we agreed that it would be next Friday, that I would be getaway driver if Kakuzu chickens out because he thinks the security might have doubled since his little escapade, but that Kisame, Pein and Hidan will lead the Heist because they're more intimidating. Zetsu will continue to gather information as well as hacking the bank's security system. Konan will knit our new balaclavas. All will be well, and we might just get enough money to have Old Bertha (the getaway van) repaired. And maybe to eat. And maybe...maybe...I could..._

_No use crying, Akasuna. You're not home yet. _

_Nonsense, I haven't cried since I was eight years old and my bicycle was run over...and then Chiyo, she bought me a new one and it was all shiny and I was so happy I put all my littlest puppets in a bag and took them for a ride and..._

_And I wish I had them now. They were my friends. _

_So, Heist on Friday, nearly home now, better get ready, maybe if I can make it I'll work on the getaway routes..._

_Or maybe I'll just get home and give in to my nightmares, start calling Kakuzu, begging him to take me back? Just so I'm not lonely? And he won't even listen to me this time..._

Konan had been right, something was wrong with Sasori. She didn't know this, but as he climbed the rickety old steps up to his immaculate little apartment (which was almost completely devoid of personal possessions), he was the saddest man in the world. And he was positive that nothing could change that. Hell, how can you cure something when you're not even sure what made you that way? Sasori hadn't got a motherfucking clue why, but he'd never felt so...lonely.

Nonetheless, his night was about to take an interesting turn, as when he opened the bright red door (paint peeling-note to self, fix it) he saw a very odd sight.

It was what could only have been an angel (the large goldy-yellow wings helped him decide that), or what appeared to be an angel, bouncing up and down on _his_ bed and yelling his head off.

"Waheeee, yeah! I'm totally flying, un! This is so awesome, man-did you know your bed had such hardcore springs in it, un?"

Sasori took one look at the offending figure and felt his mood sink into the darkest depths of Hell.

"_OUT!"_

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Meanwhile, up in Heaven, Tobi was trying out a new brand new activity.

He was thinking.

More specifically, he was sitting on the edge of the battered leather sofa that he loved so dearly, in his and Deidara's cluttered little apartment and trying to work out why his gorgeously gorgeous Sempai was so upset. Now that he had gone to introduce himself to his latest target, Tobi was alone in the apartment and could think in peace.

Now don't get Tobi wrong, his Sempai got upset quite a lot. Many was the time that Deidara would come home after a hard night clubbing (avec much older Angels) with his clothes ripped and his hair all messed up. On those nights Tobi just made him a nice cup of tea and waited until he had locked himself into the bathroom to go to bed. The sound of his Sempai sobbing his heart out in the shower was not something Tobi liked to hear at all.

One time, the first time this had happened, Tobi had tried to coax Deidara out of the bathroom and get him to talk. The furious blonde had almost ripped Tobi's head off. It wasn't that he was drunk, Tobi reasoned, he was simply very upset and highly volatile. But when the morning light began to stream through Tobi's curtains and he awoke, Deidara would always be there, asleep but by his side, his beautiful features relaxed in a deep slumber.

By Tobi's side, where he belonged. In Tobi's bed and their apartment and _happy with him._ Generally he was, but tonight Deidara had seemed so...lost.

Tobi had greeted him as usual, with an affectionate kiss on any of his mouths, but Deidara just pushed him away.

"Go away, un. Not right now. Please, Tobi. I need to think, yeah." And with those dulling words, Sempai had shut himself in the bathroom once again.

No sex tonight, thought Tobi. What was wrong? Tobi had heard about the court hearing and the Level Nine Warning, but Sempai _never _let those sorts of things bother him. Maybe someone had been nasty to him again? That happened quite a lot-some old bastard would pass Deidara in the corridor and make some really crude remark, or call him a whore or something. Tobi knew _that_ bothered him.

So, squeezing up against the door, steaming mug in hand, Tobi simply asked him. "Sempai...?"

No answer. Tobi tried again. "Sempai, what's wrong? Don't be sad...I made pasta tonight, and I know how much you'll like it..."

A small sniffle from inside the bathroom, and Deidara opened the door.

"Pasta, un?" he asked, peering up at Tobi, who was a good few inches taller than him, much to his Sempai's chagrin. His thick, silky hair was dishevelled-hair that Tobi loved more than anything else in the world, except possibly that tiny noise Deidara made in the middle of the night when he thought no-one else could hear him and he would cuddle up to Tobi. When he felt safe, he would sing very quietly, sometimes lullabies, always when he thought Tobi was asleep.

He had clearly been in the process of brushing his lovely locks, and Tobi grinned behind his mask. Sempai liked to brush his hair very much.

"Yup, your favourite. The squid is fresh, Sempai!"

He looked almost embarrassed at the idea. "Thanks, un" he muttered, and made to go back into the bathroom but Tobi stopped him.

"Sempai, what happened today? Was it the hearing? Please tell Tobi!"

And then Deidara's face went completely blank. The usually manic blue eyes were devoid of life. "Nothing happened in the hearing, un. I just ran into Itachi. That's all, yeah. Just that."

And the door shut in Tobi's masked face.

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Inside the small, blue-tiled bathroom, Deidara wasn't going to cry.

Absolutely not.

_It was only Itachi, right? He's not worth my tears. It's not his fault he's a bastard, it's just..._

_It's just he didn't have to say that! I didn't do ANYTHING and then he just goes and says that out of nowhere and it was really mean and-and-_

_And if I can get out of this bathroom fast enough, I'll fucking kill him. _

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It had all started after Deidara's hearing. The blonde had gone home, found some suitable clothes that did not violate any Guidelines whatsoever, and had gone back to his cosy little office in the Fourth Division of the Angel Academy.

There he'd been, happily compiling some notes on a previous assignment that had gone very well, actually, just look at my perfect success rate, un, and drinking his tea in one of Tobi's mugs when his most favourite person in all the world had appeared.

Itachi Uchiha loomed above the untidy desk, his shadow stretching menacingly across the wall. For such a fussy ponce, Itachi could be very intimidating when he wanted to be-his big black wings helped with that a lot.

This was one of those times. Deidara, who had no idea how he'd even got into the highly-restricted-access Fourth Division, glared up at him.

"What do you want, yeah?" The distaste was evident in his voice.

The older man chuckled darkly. "Oh, nothing personal. I am merely here to deliver your new assignment, fresh from First Division."

Deidara was sceptical. "How did you even get in here, un?" he demanded, brandishing a pen in Itachi's general direction. "This is a restricted-access area. Yeah."

Itachi simply smirked. "Hardly. They let _you _in, didn't they? Anyway, I simply said that it was a matter of life and death and that you needed to get this assignment right away." He tapped the folder with one long finger. "Read it."

Deidara did so; tucking the pen-that-could-kill-Itachi behind his ear and flipping open the folder to reveal a case file of a good-looking redhead with flat brown eyes. Itachi watched him lazily.

"He's pretty good-looking. If I were you I'd let someone else take the mission-you know, someone less likely to screw the target. Hm. Think about it for a while."

He didn't leave, and Deidara levelled his best Death Glare at him. "For your information, _un,_ I have never actually slept with one of my targets. I'm a professional, yeah."

Deidara was promptly on the receiving end of a deadly Uchiha Death Glare, the power of which Tobi occasionally utilised. "Professional? I assure you, Deidara, that prostitution is not a proper job. And I'm sure it must be really hard for you, not actually letting all those nice men fuck you-"

"Shut the fuck up, yeah! I am not a bloody prostitute!" Their exchange, which had been quiet up until now, had caught the ears of some Fourth Division researchers who were listening intently. They didn't hear this sort of thing often, as a general rule of thumb.

"How dare you call me a prostitute, un! You bastard!" Never let it be said that Deidara was easily riled, oh no...

And Itachi just smirked as Deidara got more and more irate. "Oh, don't worry-I'm not implying that you have finesse,merely that you're a whore. And I have evidence to prove it."

"What on earth, yeah? Are you crazy? Look, I'm sure that if you just fuck off and die it'll all turn out fine in the end, un..."

And then Itachi got very close to Deidara. Very close indeed. "So, you don't think you're a slut?" he hissed, right into the blonde's face. "Well, I disagree. And I'm sure you know why."

Deidara's cheeks were flushed with anger. "Look, Weasel-Arse, if you're just going to call me nasty little names again then really-"

"Oh, I'm doing much more than that. I'm telling you you're a whore because of what you did with Kakashi all those years ago. You'd better remember that, you slut. And I'm warning you that this is not over. I know you know I know that I arranged that hearing, on solid ground I might add. You may have got off with a warning, but I _will_ get you out of Heaven, Deidara. I can promise you that. After all" he continued, his voice rising once again, no longer hissing in Deidara's face "surely anyone with such sin inside them is more Demon than Angel? Not that it's my place to judge..."

And with that Itachi left, leaving Deidara standing there feeling very small indeed. Was this really all about Kakashi, he thought? Has he still not got over that? Good God, the man was a freak indeed.

He decided to ignore the rest of Itachi's nasty little speech as best he could, but it was harder than it sounded. He had never even contemplated the idea of being thrown out of Heaven, let alone Itachi deliberately plotting to arrange such a thing...

So he cast his mind back to this whole Kakashi thing, which was apparently the crux of Itachi's entire hatred of him. Of course, un. He hadn't even noticed at the time-why wasn't he to assume that Itachi just hated him because he wasn't like most other Angels? Mean fucker...

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_It had been almost directly after the Uchiha Massacre that Itachi had fallen head-over-heels for Kakashi Hatake. Everything about him he loved-his hair, his deceivingly apathetic attitude, his half-covered face, his imposing grey wings-even the fact that he was older than him made Itachi go wild._

_So Itachi mooned after him for a long, long time. During that horrible, horrible period after the Massacre he clung to his love of Kakashi like an anchor, keeping him tied down to reality. Just in case he managed to float away and never be heard of again. _

_And after that he got a little job in the First Division, just ordering papers and the like. It wasn't hard work, but he liked it because one day he met him. Kakashi Hatake himself had come in from Second Division to collect some random file that Itachi had just sorted. _

_And he smiled and thanked the Uchiha, and almost melted his heart. And he asked how Itachi was, and the boy nearly died of happiness. Normally so stoic, Itachi turned into a little girl around Kakashi. His beautiful, beautiful Kakashi. _

_Then, in true teenage style (although Itachi was well over four hundred) he took to following him around in a distinctly stalker-esque fashion. You know, carrying his papers, fetching drinks and documents, making his appointments and scheduling his events. Itachi became his unofficial personal secretary, even though they worked in vastly different Divisions. _

_Now he got to spend much of his day around Kakashi, which he loved. He was well aware that Sasuke thought him foolish and that Kakashi knew his past too well to ever contemplate a relationship, but Itachi wanted to enjoy every minute of his first love. Indeed, he had been building up the courage to actually _tell_ Kakashi about his feelings for weeks. _

_But suddenly, something got in the way. And that something was called Deidara._

_Itachi and Deidara had never liked each other much. Whilst they had been in different classes during their academic years (indeed, Deidara was still at school), both were wards of the Angel Academy and had been forced to sleep on the same floor as one another for many years. Itachi saw Deidara as a sinful, sluttish show-off, Deidara thought Itachi was an uptight prick with a nasty sense of humour. But it had never really gone beyond violent bickering._

_Until now. _

_Kakashi, it seemed, wanted to date the blonde. Itachi was furious, but pointing out all of Deidara's obvious faults-he was a slut, he was too young, he couldn't form a sentence properly and had the IQ of a doormat-didn't seem to help. They started dating a few weeks later. Deidara was about three hundred, Kakashi-obviously older. And Itachi Uchiha was heartbroken. _

_But it was one dark cold night, one dark and stormy night when Itachi was being a good little secretary and dropping off some leftover papers at Kakashi's house that the hating truly began. _

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Kakashi was such a gentleman, Deidara thought as the silver-haired man kissed the side of his slender neck. Such a wonderful man. The world could learn from him. And as Deidara thought this, Kakashi spun him round in his arms to look into his big blue eyes.

"Deidara, want to fuck?" Oh look, he even asks nicely. And hell yes, un. Take me any time, any place, anywhere. I'm yours, Big Boy.

So the couple moved into Kakashi's spacious bedroom, where Deidara was flung onto the surprisingly soft double bed, his wings padding his fall with Kakashi following soon afterwards. Much passionate kissing followed.

"Oh...God, un, _Kakashi..._"

"You like it when I kiss you there, huh?"

"_Oh God yes yes yes..." _Soon both were naked, and Kakashi's hard, pale body fitted perfectly with Deidara's smaller, more elegant frame. His skin-ever so lightly tanned-was flushed and his cheeks were pink. Kakashi had a sizeable erection thanks to Deidara's cunning little hand-mouths, and his penis was literally groaning to be pleasured.

Deidara was only too happy to oblige. The older man was kneeling on the bed preparing to mount the blonde, when Deidara turned around and began to suck on Kakashi's hard erection.

"_Oh, shit...Deidara, where did you learn this stuff? God..."_

It was warm and passionate and sweaty, and as Deidara ran his tongue up and down Kakashi's length he delighted in every moan the older man made. Sucking, licking, nibbling, blowing-Deidara tried it all out on Kakashi, and the older man certainly wasn't complaining. They had found their natural rhythm, and the fast, surprisingly rough pace suited them both just fine. Soon enough the silver-haired man came into Deidara's mouth, and he lapped it all up it a surprisingly whorish fashion.

Kakashi, sweaty and glistening, sat up. "Are we ready to move on then?" Deidara, also sweaty and hot, flung himself into Kakashi's arms and kissed him roughly, his slim hips grinding against the other man's in pure passion. Kakashi ground back, and pushed Deidara down onto the now dirty bed, spreading his long, slender legs and stroking the inside of his thighs, but those legs soon caught Kakashi around the waist and pulled him down closer to the blonde splayed wantonly on the bed.

"_Why aren't you fucking me, un? This is all...just...foreplay..."_

So Kakashi happily obliged, first fingering the smaller blonde to find his prostate, and then moving on to actual sex. And this was where Itachi found them a few minutes later.

_Itachi had hurried to Kakashi's house in the pouring rain-he hated getting wet-and burst through the door, shaking out his wet wings (as those feathers absorbed moisture better than a goat, leaving the Angel in question with a highly soggy back. Not pleasant!)_

"_Kakashi-san? Kakashi-san, I've brought the form you forgot..."_

_No answer. So Itachi headed towards the stairs, reasoning that Kakashi may have simply gone to bed or something equally innocuous. Certainly nothing that involved Deidara was present in Itachi's mind, but as he reached the top of the stairs, he heard a very distinct moan. _

"_Oh God, Kakashi! Harder, un!" _

_What? What did Deidara think he was playing at, saying things like that to Kakashi? And then another-_

"_KAKASHI, UN! KAKASHI!" _

_A shrill shriek like that could only have come from one Angel, and that sent chills into Itachi's very soul. Gingerly he edged towards the half-open door, towards the noises-and then in a sudden spurt of courage he burst into the room. _

"_Kakashi-san, I brought your-" _

_But Itachi's words died in his throat. What he saw was far too awful to put into words. There was Kakashi, beautiful, strong Kakashi, with his hard pale body and perfect face, kneeling above the incarnation of sin himself, Deidara Awarii. _

_Both were naked. In fact, they were engaged in the sort of activities that only married couples should really be taking part in, Itachi thought. Unless Kakashi and _himself_ were the couple in question, of course. We are all hypocrites when it comes to love._

_Deidara's face was flushed and pink, and he was gripping the bedstead for support as Kakashi thrusted into him, earning many illicit moans and cries from the blonde. His slim, pretty body, still developing, was covered in love bites and various other marks, all administered during the course of their lovemaking. Kakashi himself had one or two, courtesy of Deidara's talented hands. Both had their eyes screwed shut and were concentrating for all they were worth. _

"_Oh my God, harder, yeah! Kakashi, please..." _

_It was hard to watch Kakashi actually comply to the moaned request and see him thrust into Deidara even harder than before, to watch their hands running over each other's bodies, to see them move together as if they were made to do just this. Deidara's hips rocked, Kakashi thrusted harder and Itachi found that he was unable to look away. _

_He looked at Deidara's widely-spread legs and at Kakashi's penis, now fully inside the blonde. Needless to say, it nearly killed him._

_Suddenly, Deidara opened his eyes. "Itachi?! What the hell, yeah?"_

_Kakashi stopped thrusting, but it was too late. Itachi was gone. They resumed their activities, and would continue to do this together for almost three years, until Kakashi decided that Deidara really was too young and vulnerable for such a physical romance and decided to call their relationship off. _

_But neither of them saw Itachi run out into the street, tears running down his pale, unhappy face and small choking noises being the only sounds he could make. No-one else felt his heart break as he remembered how Kakashi had touched Deidara, like a true lover, in a way Itachi had never been held but desperately yearned for. No-one saw the lines on his face form, lines of sadness as he realised that his overpowering first love was doomed to fail. His grief and despair at losing all he held dear to him in one fell swoop threatened to consume his soul, and he clutched at his chest, trying not to cry. Why should Deidara, whose soul was so full of sin, get what Itachi had always dreamt of? Didn't he deserve it for once? Hadn't he done enough?_

_No-one saw him break that night, but the whole world saw him blame Deidara Awarii. _

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Phew! That took bloody ages-apologies if the last bit sucks; it's hard to write a lemon with my particular style of writing. It's best if you ignore EVERYTHING Deidara says in that bit. **

**I noticed that I made Itachi extremely verbose-that is clearly out of character, so sorry! Although it's nice to give him **_**some**_** emotions, you know. And he hates Deidara because he sees him as sin personified. Apologies if that's not clear and you think they're just being bitchy (which they are yuz yuz.)**

**Next chapter, Sasori and Deidara can meet each other properly and the story can finally begin! Ach, stupid character history...**

**And yes, Sasori and Kakuzu were previously together. Random, huh?**

**See you next time!**


	5. Angel In A Blender

The Angel Academy

Chapter 5-Angel in a Blender

_Angelic Guideline No.4: The kingdom of Heaven was entrusted to the Angel Academy by the Creator himself, and it was decreed then that the Angel Academy should be given the rule of Heaven and all its inhabitants. Because of this, absolute respect is expected from all Angels to any area of the Angel Academy at all times and any Angel that believes themselves to be above the Creator's words will be reported to the Great Angel as a severe breach of decorum. _

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"_OUT!"_

"No way, yeah! Just one more bounce!"

Ah, yes. Here it is that our two miserable antiheroes finally meet, under less-than-recommending circumstances. But who knows of what is to come?

Sasori certainly did not. All he knew was that right now there was a very annoying intruder in _his_ apartment, _no-one else's_, and that this bastard was stopping him from getting to bed. Who over the age of five bounces on a bed, anyway?

All Deidara knew was that this man was Sasori no Akasuna, originally from Sunagakure but moved to Ame six months ago, that he had no parents or siblings and had been raised by his grandmother, that he was twenty-six years old and about to do something very stupid. He also noticed that Sasori was very nice to look at, but that was beside the point. So he took a deep breath, and got off the thoroughly debauched bed.

"Nice to meet you, un!" the blonde grinned, holding out a hand. "My name's Deidara and I'll be your guardian an-"

Sasori just pushed past him. "Whatever. Just get the hell out of my house." Flopping on to the bed, the redhead began to remove his boots. Deidara only grinned. This guy seemed like fun!

"Ah, no-can-do, un. I'm stuck here until you acknowledge my existence, yeah. Ya see, I'm not allowed to leave-"

Bored brown eyes stared up at him. "Didn't I tell you to get out?"

"Technically, yes, but also technically you have to listen to me, un! I won't leave until you do! Oh, by the way-does your kettle always make that funky shrieking noise, yeah? Only I tried to make tea, yeah, and it might have gone wrong..."

Sasori's face stayed impassive. "You broke my kettle?" Deidara had the grace to look sheepish, and his cheeks flushed. "Perhaps, un." The blonde was clearly Not Leaving.

By now Sasori had removed his killer boots and was working on the several layers of skin-tight leather hell that were wrapped around his upper body, cursing slightly as he did so. Deidara was still hopping around in front of him, in the manner of an ostrich with ADHD.

"Look, un, if you want to strip that's fine but could you please just listen to me? Only I kinda have to get home and thank Tobi for being so sweet earlier and you being arsy won't help, yeah..."

"I've finished stripping, if that's what you'd call it." In front of him, Sasori stood in all his pyjama-fied glory, candy-cane stripes echoing his flaming hair very nicely. His chest was bare, and a bright red tattoo of a scorpion was visible over where his heart should have been.

_Pretty, un. _Deidara drooled for a moment before continuing to rabbit on about nothing. "All right, yeah! So, can we go and sit down somewhere and do you have a blanket because you may like living in an iceberg but my legs are freezing, un?!"

In his head, Sasori questioned his judgement in letting the blonde lunatic stay. But hey, what the hell, it was better than being alone tonight. Even lunatics with wings are company. And so he found a blanket for Deidara, who did look very cold and had promptly snuggled up on the couch, large yellow wings furled up around him like a cocoon.

"Thanks, un. You're a real sweetie-Christ, I've just had one long day of being freezing-"

Sasori, again privately, thought that his choice of outfit may have had something to do with it. Surely one could not go outside in a short, white tunic thing with sandals in autumn and expect to be warm? Clearly he was an escapee from the local mental asylum that Kisame worked in at weekends...

Deidara was still chattering when Sasori interrupted him. "So, why exactly are you in my apartment? I mean, why are you bothering me? The old man down the hall throws flowerpots at you if you go near his door, surely that would be more fun than staying here?"

To his annoyance, the smaller man just laughed. "Doofus, yeah! Weren't you listening? I am your brand-new guardian angel and am therefore only concerned with your individual welfare, un. I can't be seen by anyone else, yeah, not even guys with flowerpots."

Er, what?

The redhead scowled a little. "No, you're not an angel. They don't exist-heaven, hell, God-it's all made-up bullshit designed to brainwash innocent little kiddies. Now if you're not going to be entertaining I'll have to call Kisame and get him to take you back to the mental asylum, even though it's a Wednesday."

Deidara continued to laugh, almost falling off the sofa at one point. His laughter was quite infectious, but Sasori wasn't known for his sense of humour. A vein in his forehead twitched, and Deidara continued to cackle like Santa on acid.

"And just _what_ is so funny? Please, feel free to enlighten me!"

The blonde choked a bit. "Ah...nothing, un-it's just I get that reaction _all the time _and I just crack up every time people say Heaven doesn't exist and stuff, mainly because they're wrong, but also because they believe themselves so vehemently! It's hilarious, yeah!"

"But they're right, you brat."

With that Deidara sobered up and got off up from the hard, cold sofa and moved over to Sasori. "Firstly, un, my name is Deidara and I expect you to use it. Secondly, I don't really care for this type of argument so can we just say that Heaven exists and that I'm living proof, yeah?" His voice had become surprisingly frosty, and Sasori was a little taken aback. He edged away.

"Fine, fine, have it your way-what are you doing here again?"

Brat, as Sasori had kindly dubbed him, looked rather annoyed. "I am your bloody guardian angel, yeah! I came down all the way from Heaven to introduce myself, yeah, so the least you can do is listen, un! This is for _your_ personal good, ya know!"

Sasori was feeling bold. "And what if I don't want a guardian angel? What then?"

Brat had flopped back down onto the sofa and glared at him with piercing blue eyes. "You don't have a choice, un. I'm here because you've committed several major acts of sin and are planning to commit more, yeah. Technically, it's my job to stop you doing that and to make you a better person, un, _however long it takes!_"

At that, Sasori gave up. Brat was clearly delusional; he needed psychiatric help more than a blanket. So he did the obvious-he let him talk, all the while admiring the long, slim legs that the blanket and his wings hadn't really concealed. What could he say? There was no shame in being a pervert, surely? Besides, it's not like he would ever sleep with the boy. He should enjoy it whilst it lasted.

Deidara, who had of course realised that Sasori thought him crazy, talked to him anyway. He chattered way into the night, his bright eyes flashing and his hands waving around as if he was possessed. At one point, Sasori got a bit of a shock.

"_What the fuck? Are those mouths?!"_

That had been very funny. Deidara had offered to let Sasori touch one, but he had, oddly enough, declined. Perhaps he thought he was dreaming? Considering he usually dreamt of Kakuzu and a troupe of singing wallabies, this was certainly a change for the better...

Nonetheless, the blonde's chatter was quite interesting. In a very roundabout fashion, he told Sasori all about his duties as a guardian angel and what this would mean for Sasori. (It appeared he would be stuck with Deidara for quite a while.) He talked about Heaven-not very many details; mainly opinions on the size of clouds and about how mean this one guy called Itachi was and things like that. He said that he knew all about Sasori, and when the redhead had protested, claiming that he couldn't know personal details unless he was a stalker, Brat had promptly rattled off a great big list of Facts About Sasori, including all his previous boyfriends and his favourite type of coffee. Somewhere in all this he had decided that he would refer to Sasori as 'Danna' at every opportunity he could find. Something about the nickname being cute or the like, but privately Sasori rather liked the respect it showed.

Still, for a raving lunatic Brat was quite sweet. And it kept the loneliness at bay. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad having him around most of the time, Sasori thought. He may be a bit annoying, but he's very pretty and he fills the silence. And that's always a good thing.

"So, Sasori-danna, I heard you like art? Me too, right, only you totally got your definition wrong, un. Art's not meant to be cooped up in a museum being eternal; it's meant to be out there quickly and brightly so that everyone can enjoy it at the same time and remember it forever, yeah! It's gotta be fleeting, un!"

Screw that, the brat was dead.

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_High up in the clouds, a man sat hunched over a strange-looking screen._

_His name was Itachi, and he was a bit of a weirdo. For you see, he was busy watching his arch-enemy Deidara introduce himself to his newest target. Itachi himself hadn't been on a mission to Earth for hundreds of years-stupid restraining order-but that wasn't the point. _

_The point was that Deidara would be stripped of his Angelhood and thrown out of Heaven very soon, if everything went according to plan. That was why he was gazing so intently at the smoky blue screen. The first stages of his plan were in action. _

_Stage 1: Be mean to Deidara so that you'll feel better about yourself-that had been done earlier._

_Stage 2: Remind him about times that he has wronged you in the past, and conveniently mention the possibility of him being thrown out of Heaven-done, but he really shouldn't have said that it was his idea. Bad move, Uchiha. _

_Stage 3: Get him an attractive target and a Level Nine Warning. Hopefully, if the target has been picked correctly, they will click and Deidara will end up sleeping with them resulting in a breach of Guideline 25 which will mean permanent expulsion from Heaven and VICTORY FOR ITACHI!_

_The first stages of this were being seen now. The target, Sasori, was very attractive and appeared to be eyeing Deidara up like a particularly tasty piece of meat. So far, so good. _

_Suddenly, the door opened. Itachi nearly fell out of his chair trying to cover up the screen-technically, these weren't allowed to be taken out of the Fourth Division, and Itachi worked in First. Ergo, if anyone saw it..._

"_Brother, why are you standing like you have a giant hernia?" Oh, thank God it was only Sasuke. He'd seen worse-he'd once walked in on Maito Gai showering. _

"_Oh, no reason-I may indeed have a hernia or I may just fancy standing a little differently today. Who knows? Now, what do you want?" Itachi liked to get straight to the point, especially where his little brother was concerned. He was worried that Sasuke had never truly forgiven him for the murder of their entire family, so he always tried to give him the best of his attention whenever it was asked for (such as now.) _

_Sasuke, Teen Supreme, slouched in the doorway. He had spiked up his hair again, Itachi noticed, and had taken to wearing strange ripped clothing, all in varying shades of black. He had even started applying eyeliner-really, it was all very odd. And could people even walk in those shoes?_

_The boy shrugged. "Nothing. Just letting you know that I'm off now. Got a date with Neji."_

_Ah yes, Neji. Itachi scowled slightly. Neji was a very pretty boy in Sasuke's Angel Academy class whom Sasuke had been dating for almost nine months. Personally, Itachi thought Neji was leading his little brother astray and that he should put off dating until well after he left school. _

_Sasuke disagreed. "Look, man, I know you don't like him but if you'd just let me have him over you'd see how nice he is and stuff. I mean, dude, you don't even know him!"_

_Fortunately, both Sasuke and Neji lived under the vigilant eyes of incredibly fussy relatives, so as of yet had not been able to get together in a place more private than the local cinema, which had severe touching restrictions. Great if you're a parent, shit if you're the teen._

_But Itachi-ever the benevolent older brother-simply smiled and wished him well. "Have a good time, Sasuke-but don't eat too much popcorn! You know it makes you cranky!"_

_Sasuke stormed off down the corridor muttering furiously, but Itachi couldn't resist a final shot._

"_And remember, don't lose your virginity!" _

"_Fuck off, man!" Oh, the joys of youth. Not that Itachi would know, of course. Now, where was he? _

_Ah yes. In the screen the pair appeared to be still talking, but a few minutes later Deidara got up and left, his goldy-yellow wings unfurling as he took off into the night, invisible to all but one man._

_Sasori waved to him as he went. Deidara had a small smile on his face. Oh yes, it was early days yet but Itachi got the feeling that this was going to be goooood..._

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It was early morning when Deidara returned to Heaven City, and as he crept into his and Tobi's apartment thin rays of light splintered through their curtains, casting their titchy kitchen in a peachy glow. All was quiet as he silently made his way to the bedroom-where he knew Tobi would be sleeping, having waited up for him as long as possible but eventually giving up and going to bed.

Aw, and he didn't even get a chance to thank him for the lovely pasta earlier. It really was sweet of him to go to all that trouble-Deidara wasn't used to people making a fuss over him. So he snuck into the dark bedroom with the primary intention of thanking Tobi very much.

In the dark, something stirred. "Whuzzat? Sempai, is that you?"

Deidara had already crawled into the large bed. "Ssh, Tobi, it's only me. Just relax, un." With that he slipped a hand into Tobi's sleeping boxers (the ones with the hippos on them that he could never ever wear in public) and gently dragged them down.

Tobi wriggled slightly. "Sempai, what 'ya doing? It's three in the morning..."

The blonde just laughed softly and continued to remove Tobi's clothes. "Does that matter, un? I'm merely thanking you for being so nice earlier, yeah. That's all, un." By now both Tobi and Deidara were naked (Deidara having removed his meagre garments before getting into their bed), and Deidara was grinning like the Cheshire Cat at Christmas. He started to stroke the dark-haired man's penis.

_That _woke Tobi up completely. As always, he was at the mercy of Deidara's hands-why else d'you think he called him Sempai? He was but a slave to those vindictive little tempters, which were currently engaged in pleasuring him fully, tongues and all.

He squirmed about on the sheets, moaning slightly. "Oh God, Sempai-that feels good..."

Deidara chuckled again, speeding up the pace of the hand/blowjob and earning more delightful moans from Tobi. "Do you still want to go to sleep, un?"

As always, Deidara's voice was quiet and husky during sex and the unfamiliar tone drove Tobi _wild._ "No!" He cried, still writhing on the sheets as Deidara's hand-mouths both started to lick all along his penis slowly and torturously. What can I say? Tobi was very easily turned on when Deidara was in the room.

The mouths continued to work their magic, idly sucking and nipping Tobi's length as Deidara himself straddled Tobi, leaning down to kiss the taller man, who responded with gusto, their tongues battling ferociously for dominance. In the end, Tobi won. He sat up-with Deidara now in his lap and still administering that wonderful blowjob-and kissed his blonde with even more passion than before, admiring his beautiful body and his lovely, lovely face.

I'm lucky to have him, Tobi thought. And then he moaned again. "Shit, you know that gets me every time..."

The smaller blonde just chuckled, having made his hands blow hard on the tip of Tobi's penis. "So, yeah, do you want me to finish this off or go straight on to sex, un?"

And now it was Tobi's turn to smirk. "Oh but Sempai, we've hardly started!" With that he grabbed Deidara and pushed him down onto the bed, not caring about the state of the sheets, and began to grind his erection into the younger man's hips.

"_Un! Tobi, yeah..." _Those were the sounds that Tobi loved to hear, and he began to kiss his Sempai all over, trailing butterfly kisses down his slender neck and across his collar, then working his way down his chest and stomach. He paused briefly to lick Deidara's nipples, a process that had always made the ticklish blonde giggle like crazy.

"Ah! Tobi-you know that I'm ticklish, yeah!"

Meanwhile, Deidara's hands had been hard at work on Tobi's penis and through a wonderful combination of stroking, blowing, licking and sucking it was fully erect and hard as a rock. It brushed against Deidara's thigh as Tobi's head crept down to his elegant (but sharp) hips, and he shivered, moving said hips in Tobi's general direction. Nonetheless he kept his hands at work-they travelled up Tobi's chest and came to rest on his shoulders, where they gently kissed the dark-haired man's neck.

Tobi had taken the bait and began to kiss Deidara's penis, as was customary. He could feel his Sempai tremble underneath him at the contact, but that didn't worry him. Sure, he knew that Deidara'd been raped as a child, but the blonde knew full well that Tobi loved him with every fibre of his being and could never do anything to hurt him.

He could only pray that it was vice-versa. But then Deidara began to pant softly_-Oh God Tobi more please, un- _and he was worried no more. Their torsos were almost touching, and their hips were firmly locked together in a passionate embrace.

The slightly older man looked Deidara straight in the eye. "Are you ready enough, Sempai?" he asked in what he imagined to be a deep, sultry voice but actually sounded like alligators singing old radio jingles. Underneath him the blonde nodded and looked up at Tobi, suddenly pulling his pale shoulders down and kissing him roughly. Slim legs wrapped around Tobi's waist and pulled his crotch down too-it was perfectly clear what Deidara wanted.

"I'm always ready for sex, un, especially with you. Do what you like, yeah." After the kissing had stopped, Deidara turned over onto his stomach-Tobi was one of the few people who knew that Deidara much preferred to be taken from behind-and spread his legs invitingly. His wings spread out behind him in a golden arc, and Tobi idly stroked a yellow feather. _Sempai is so pretty..._

Tobi straddled his legs, and Deidara lifted his hips up with well-practiced ease. Slowly Tobi caressed the blonde's smooth, slim thighs and perfectly formed buttocks, which were firm and delightful to touch. Below him, Deidara gripped the bedstead in preparation and as Tobi gently began to insert a well-licked finger (lubricant was for much raunchier sex than this) into his entrance he angled his hips to get the best possible stimulus.

First one finger, then another. Tobi stroked his Sempai's beautiful blonde hair as he prepared him, each time aiming to hit Deidara's prostate and feel those hips buck with pleasure underneath him. He inserted a third finger, and Deidara let out a little cry that had Tobi going weak at the proverbial knees. Shucks, he thought, I'm a complete slave to love. Do with me what you will as long as Deidara-sempai can be by my side. I need this boy. Said boy then let out a very husky moan...

"_That's enough, Tobi, yeah...enough foreplay. Take me now, un?"_

Oh, Sempai-do you even have to ask?

Gleefully Tobi removed his fingers and positioned his rock-hard penis at Deidara's entrance, slowly inserting himself inside the blonde but picking up pace as Deidara's slim hips began to buck. They had been through this many times before, and Tobi was soon fully inside Deidara, having taken a strange delight in each little moan the smaller man made.

"_Move, un!"_

So Tobi did, and he found his pace immediately, thrusting hard into his surprisingly tolerant Sempai, who panted and writhed underneath him like there was no tomorrow. Tobi did his best to hit Deidara's prostate each time, both of them angling their hips slightly differently on each thrust. It was sweaty and passionate and as Tobi continued to thrust harder into Deidara he became closer and closer to coming. With Deidara like that between his legs, he never could last long.

The thrusting continued-_Oh, Tobi! Harder, un!-_until both of them came together, after a lot of dramatic moaning and exaggerated hip movements. Deidara's penis had been taken care of by Tobi's loving right hand-the other was still tangled in his silky golden hair.

"God, Sempai-have we always had it this good?" Tobi asked lightly, pulling out of Deidara and taking him in his arms. Deidara, who was trembling as he always did after sex, something about the whole rape thing, mumbled something and snuggled up closer to the dark-haired man, who gently placed a kiss on his forehead.

"What was that, Sempai?" He asked, pulling the thick blankets over them.

"Nothing, yeah. It's just we _didn't_ always have it so good-it took me ages to teach you how to give a decent blowjob, un!"

Tobi just continued to kiss his blonde.

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_And high up in a tower, high in the plum-coloured skies of Heaven, a man sat at a little desk, his broad frame shivering despite the blanket draped around his shoulders._

_In his hand he clutched a quill, a reminder of days gone by, and he was staring out of his high, high window with empty eyes. _

_This is Madara Uchiha, the Great Angel. He is no longer great. _

_Oh, we can see the enormous navy wings-bigger than any other Angel's-that are curled up behind him and the large golden Halo that sits atop his shock of hair, but we can also see the frailness of his hands, the paleness of his skin and the tiredness in those old, old eyes. Something has been lost along the way, and now he is a mere shadow of his former self. _

_Madara suddenly doubles up, coughing painfully. A woman dashes in almost immediately. _

"_Madara, are you all right?" she asks, concern evident in her voice. She puts her arms around him and tries in vain to warm him up. _

"_I'm fine, Tsunade!" He snaps back, and instantly regrets it when he sees her hurt look."Sorry" he mumbles, leaning in to her embrace. She smiles at him, but is still worried._

"_I really think you should move into a warmer room, Madara. You know how draughty this tower gets in autumn, it would be horrible..."_

_But Madara shakes his head, his long black hair swaying in an imaginary breeze. He will not move rooms, not for all the tea in China. This tiny tower room is his and his alone, and it commands the best view of Heaven City from anywhere in the palace. Here he will stay, and here he will watch his Angels succumb to the whims of the tyrannical Academy. _

_He knows this infuriates Tsunade, who only wants him to get better and be her husband again. Silly woman-he will always be hers, no matter what he does._

_But he is dying and he knows it, so for now he wants to sit and watch the stars. He coughs again, this time harder, and Tsunade whips out a large bottle of medicine._

"_Here, take this, it'll relieve the pain. Please, darling."_

_But that's not what Madara wants-he's not looking for a painkiller or a miracle cure, in his heart of hearts he died a long time ago and he knows that he deserves every minute of this agony. _

_It's all my fault, he thinks. So I may as well suffer for it. _

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Sasuke Uchiha wasn't a particularly verbose young Angel, and nor was his resident boyfriend Neji Hyuuga. This led to interesting conversations.

"Uh, did you see that woman with the dead cat on her head, man?"

"What woman?" asked Neji, in his clipped for-want-of-a-better-word extremely posh accent. Annoying at times, delightful at others, as Sasuke had soon found out. The grungebucket had just shrugged, his darkish Prussian blue wings shrugging with him.

"We walked past her about an hour ago, just after we set out."

Neji thought for a moment, biting his lip in concentration. "Do you mean the woman who appeared to be wearing a large pink canary on her bosoms?"

"She was?!"

"Apparently, if it's the same woman. Perhaps it was her evil twin sister?" They both chuckled-nothing like a bit of stranger-bashing to get them in the mood for a date.

It was quite odd that they were dating, really. At this age, couples were rare and certainly none of them had gone as far as they had. Still, perhaps it was because they had so many weights stacked against them that they had persevered with this relationship-and man, they were thankful for it.

The main weight was their families. The Hyuuga and Uchiha were both very old Angelic clans who were notorious for Not Getting Along. Both were rich, powerful and snobbish-even though the Uchiha family now had considerably less members. That hadn't mattered, both families loved to pick a fight with each other, always squabbling over who-said-what-about-Great-Auntie-Mildred or who-didn't-quite-prune-their-begonias-right. And both Itachi Uchiha and Hiashi Hyuuga (neither of the teens had parents, which had made it even more special for them to be in such a close relationship) were vehemently opposed to it. It was almost funny-apart from the fact that it made seeing each other outside of school nigh on impossible.

Another was their age-they were seventeen in human years, and for an Angel that was _young. _Everyone else (except a few of their nicest friends) were of the opinion that they should still be at home studying and playing with playdough and not troubling their pretty little heads with silly little things like _love_. (Or sex. But that was a _different_ matter.)

Sasuke glanced at his boyfriend. Neji had a lovely profile, he thought. He was a little shorter than Sasuke (although both were tall) and had a more elegant face. His wings were sharply angled and almost white. With his big white eyes, high cheekbones, long, regal nose and beautifully-shaped mouth, he was the picture of infuriated beauty.

Yes, he flew off the handle a lot. Sasuke had learnt to deal with it, just as Neji had learnt to deal with his strange silences and heavy eyeliner.

Ah, another weight. They looked so very different. Neji, with his very pale skin and his waist-length brown hair, very thick and smooth to the touch, was one of the only Angels in their class who stuck to the dress code, simply because he looked so good in it. Anything white or even remotely neutral Neji could pull off and with his thin frame he'd look like an anorexic catwalk model stalking around in Versace's winter collection.

Sasuke, however, hadn't worn white clothes since he had turned three hundred-nowadays all he wore was black. His boots were black, his fingerless gloves were black, his sweater was black as was his leather jacket, his skinny jeans were very black indeed, and even his boxers were black. His hair was a very dark blue-almost black, really-and his eyes (when not being all red and swirly) were pitch black and looked straight into your very soul.

His skin was very pale too, and more often than not he looked like a vampire, on a good day perhaps Robert Smith or Marilyn Manson (without the gold teeth, of course.) His face was much more masculine than Neji's (or his brother's, come to think of it) who was delightfully androgynous.

They contrasted each other beautifully.

"Hey, you okay?" Sasuke grunted to his significant other, who laughed slightly and nodded.

"I'm fine, Sasuke. Why did you ask?"

"S'just...you've been quite quiet. And you look a bit unhappy, that's all."

Neji looked at him, and moved a little closer to him. Now their hips were almost touching. "It's sweet of you to notice that, but I'm fine, really. I'm just thinking. Are _you _okay?"

Sasuke gently took Neji's hand in his, where he squeezed it tight. Neji squeezed back. Hey, it's been nine months; they're allowed to do this sort of thing! Behind them the tips of their wings rubbed together, warming them up.

"Eh, I'm fine. Wish Itachi would get that stick out of his ass, though-this morning he had quite clearly stolen one of those Fourth Division screeny things and had the cheek to tell me it was a hernia! He was probably spying on that blonde guy again; I honestly don't get why he's such a weirdo..."

Neji chuckled. "I do think those two have a lot of unresolved sexual tension, you know. They definitely need to do something about it before your brother explodes! Although" he mused "that would be highly entertaining to see..."

Sasuke pretended to look aghast. "Hey, knock it off, he's my brother! If he explodes, who cooks the meatballs?"

"_I_ will cook the meatballs, Sasuke, and I shall serve them with pasta just for the hell of it."

"Oh God, save me from the horror of your radioactive cooking!"

"I'll have you know that I'm an excellent cook-"

They continued in this vein until they reached a small cinema on the outskirts of Heaven City. Situated in one of the many parks in the area, it was private and cosy and therefore a favourite for young couples. It showed mainly art films, but Sasuke and Neji weren't too bothered about that. After all, they weren't here to watch a movie.

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**And there I shall end it! The SasuNeji scene will continue in the next chapter, we'll see a bit more of the Akatsuki and who knows what else? Warning-NEJI WILL BE OOC BECAUSE OF MY EXTREMELY WARPED PERCEPTION OF HIM! It's honestly best not to ask...**

**Feel free to tell me what you think (I know the SasoDei bit is rather slow) but please no flames! It just shows that you have no li-ife...**

**See you next time!**

**Oh, on another note-**

**THE DIVISIONS OF THE ANGEL ACADEMY-**

**First Division-**Legal affairs. Deals primarily with the judging of souls and has complete control of the courts. Also issues the majority of the missions to Fourth Division, although that is a conjoined department. Itachi's stomping ground, yuz yuz. Recording libraries all recorded here, and the most respected of the Divisions. (Not quite sure why!)

**Second Division**-The Holy Armies. Basically, this is where Angels such as Kiba plan to end up and this encompasses all military training, army barracks, military strategising and actual fighting. Numbers were severely depleted during the Angel/Demon Rebellions. The newest of the Divisions, but one of the most popular. Kakashi and Gai work here.

**Third Division**-The other public services, such as education, health and administration, the detective and forensic departments and facilities for bored teenage Angels (i.e. shopping centres, restaurants, art galleries, dance halls and cinemas). Tsunade and Shizune both work at Heaven City's main hospital, but Tsunade is one of the main administrators of the Third Division. Sakura is still wrangling to get an apprenticeship there.

**Fourth Division**-The most involved in humanity. Whilst the others tend to specialise on Angel life, the Fourth Division trains specially selected recruits down to Earth to actually_ do _the eradicating. Regarded as a great achievement to be accepted as an acting member of the Fourth Division because of the amount of sin the Angels involved tend to eradicate. Deidara is currently an acting and extremely successful member, and Naruto likes it because of the free tea. Good for Angels who are sick to death of Heaven City and want a good ol' taste of human sin.


	6. Here, My Dear

The Angel Academy

Chapter 6-Here, My Dear

_Angelic Guideline No.5: All Angels under the age of five hundred and sixty-nine residing in Heaven are legally obliged to attend the Angel Academy for a minimum of two hundred and seventy-four days out of three hundred and sixty-five. This is non-negotiable, regardless of Angelic power type or abilities. As stated in Educational Decree No. 64.5, (Ninth Scroll of the Great Angelic Charter, as dictated to the Great Angel by the Creator)-"A decent education must be feasible for all Angels in Heaven, for what is Angelkind without knowledge?"_

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"_Ah! Sasuke! No marks, you pig!"_

"_Jeez, will you just get that stick out of your arse and relax already? Not funny, Neji."_

"_Well, if someone wasn't trying to rape me then I'd be considerably nicer!"_

_Ah. Here we are, alone in an abandoned church conversion on the lower west side (the wrong side) of Heaven City, watching as the spiders crawl through the rafters, seeing the rainbows flung on the old stone walls as the evening light spills through the old stained-glass windows, feeling the cobwebs of hundreds of years brush against our cheeks, gasping as we realise for the first time the height of the building-how the cold grey walls must have been flung up against the sky by Madara himself, and how perilous those rotten rafters must truly be-_

_If only. We are not there; we never have been and never will be. All I am is an Angel with hindsight; all I can do is look into the past and feel my blood boil with the rage of a thousand years of injustice. And I am not alone in an abandoned church with two young Angels who only want a moment to rejoice in their hormonal instincts, nor am I with Tobi and Deidara seeing them make love for the first time. I am nowhere and I can do nothing to stop it! I am not with Sasori on Earth, I am not with Madara alone and shivering in his high high tower, and I am not with Itachi as he slowly loses his control and descends into utter emptiness. _

_All I am is an Angel with all the time in the afterlife and all the books the Great Library has to offer. This story will be documented, and it will become public! For what if it happens again? What if my life's work has gone to waste, what if nobody ever remembers, no-one will care and no-one will know! No-one will ever see the true horrors of the Angel Academy! WHAT THEN?_

_But I digress. _

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In Neji's opinion, all sofas should have been fitted with at least moderately comfortable springs before one's boyfriend of nine months gets slightly frisky and decides to fling one down on one, absolutely without warning and crushing one's wings in the process. Certainly his first act as the brand new Queen of the Universe would address this problem. That and the grievous Coca-Cola crisis...

Above him, Sasuke batted an eyelid.

"Ouch! Sasuke, that _hurt!_"

"And you, my dear, are a pansy." The darker-haired teen chuckled darkly and moved a bit to the left.

"Sasuke! You are a bastard and I have sensitive skin-you know this sofa makes me chafe!" Disgruntled white eyes glared up at Sasuke, _daring _him to say one more word...

True to his character, Sasuke dared. "You're hot when you're angry." And then he bent down just a tiny bit and kissed the teen beneath him, effortlessly capturing those plump, soft lips in a searing smooch just full of passion, ketchup and unrequited lust. True to_ his_ character, Neji mysteriously forgot about all of his earlier complaints and kissed back, his tongue battling with Sasuke's in a game of dominance that they never really took seriously but still found enjoyable. Perched as they were on the Horror Sofa, Sasuke ghosted his pale hands across Neji's chest and hips, whilst the brunette between his legs struggled to get free and remove Sasuke's shirt.

Verily, off it came and Neji was satisfied, drinking up the milky-white flesh on show. Flesh that was _his_ and _his alone_-the smooth curve of Sasuke's shoulder, the flat planes of his stomach, the sharp angle of his jawline...all his. Unsurprisingly, Sasuke seemed to have similar ideas.

"Hey, you have to lose the clothing too. Can't have just me naked around here, can we?" The velvety voice dropped to a low purr so near Neji's ear it almost made him orgasm, and he blushed like a little child. "Are you sure, Sasuke? It's so much nicer when only_ you_ are nude..."

And herein lies the crux of this couple's problems: Neji will not have sex if his life depends on it. Certainly, he will remove his shirt-he is doing that as we speak, or at least Sasuke is-and he will kiss his boyfriend until they are blue in the face. He will touch Sasuke everywhere that he feels he can (arms, torso, face, thighs and not much more) and he will let Sasuke touch _him_...

But then it stops. When Sasuke goes too far and tries to remove Neji's trousers, when he tries to kiss Neji all the way down his chest or when he does this-

"Sasuke, NO!"

"Please! I'm hardly doing anything..." When this happens, Sasuke has probably got Neji half-naked, panting and struggling with an enormous hard-on underneath him and his face will be saying '_fuck me, fuck me'_...but his big moon eyes will say something very different.

Indeed, Neji is currently in this position and he can feel Sasuke's hot, heavy body above him. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, he thinks? Just to let him see me naked?

Surely it would only be fair? Neji has seen Sasuke naked hundreds of times-the dark-haired man seems to make a particular point of being nude around his darling Prissypants.

Perhaps...perhaps I can. And his Angel Academy training promptly comes crashing down upon him. _Do not have sexual intercourse before marriage, save yourself for your life partner, all men are only after one thing, it's not worth it just for one night..._

Aargh! How does Sasuke ignore this? Well, if he can so can I! Neji Hyuuga, he immediately resolves, is no run-of-the-mill pansy but a strong, confident, powerful Ang-

"Aah! Sasuke, what in Heaven are you doing? Neji's newly-found resolve is shattered as Sasuke decides it is a good moment to strip completely and grind his erection into Neji's (clothed) hips.

"Neji, we have done this before and you _are not_ completely virginal so stop acting like you are! You may find it winsome, but I..." At this Sasuke turns Neji over and presses his flushed face up against the brunette's, glaring for all he's worth. "I find it fucking annoying." His voice isn't more than a low grumble, and for the first time in years Neji feels-not_ scared_, but wary around his significant other.

Above him, Sasuke continues in his most threatening voice. "In case you haven't noticed, _I'm not my brother._ I don't give a shit what the Academy fuckers say or do, and I really don't get why this is such a big deal to you. They can't hurt us, you baby!" The dark tendrils framing his face give Sasuke an eerie look, one that no normal Angel would like to see outside of Hell, and Neji does not like it one bit. Why must this always happen to Sasuke?

Now his face is_ very_ close to Neji's, and they can see every tiny imperfection in the other's skin. And Sasuke must have seen Neji tremble ever so slightly at his little speech, so he lowers the tone slightly. In a calmer voice he continues, absentmindedly stroking the Hyuuga's cheek.

"Look, you love me right?"

Below him, Neji gulps and nods vehemently.

"Then why won't you let me go further than this?"

At this, Neji splutters and tries to sit up. "Sasuke, it is not a question of how far I will let you go, more of how far we are _legally allowed_ to go! Can you not see that even going up to this point is wrong?"

Sasuke growls and pushes him back down into the sofa. "Just shut up about the fucking law! I am sick to death of hearing about it, and I do not fucking care! All I want is for you-"

And now Neji is also annoyed. He recoils and snaps back at Sasuke, baring sharp white teeth at his lover. "To do what, Sasuke? To sleep with you? Or to go against practically everything I believe in and simply let you fuck me like some Earth whore?"

"No, I want you to trust me!" Sasuke replies, sounding almost desperate. But Neji pays his no heed-he was _so close_ to snapping and he has very little intention of letting it happen again. "It is not a question of trust, Sasuke; it is a simple matter of understanding." The sharp decibels ring out against the cold stone walls, and suddenly the room goes icy cold. To complete this picture, the darker-haired teen (young adult, truly) has a dismal expression on his sharp face-he will not meet Neji's eyes. "Sasuke, you do not see this from my perspective. Oh, I know you think you do, so do not try and convince me otherwise-"Neji continues, silencing Sasuke's attempted protest with a wave of his hand-"but you do not see as I do."

As is often the way when one is being scolded by a lover, Sasuke moves away, and his features are expressionless and cold. When he talks, Neji can tell it will be in a lifeless monotone.

"If that is how you truly feel." And slowly the bluenette rises, never once looking at the teen on the sofa. The pride of Sasuke Uchiha has once again been injured, and who will stroke his ego back into normality?

Neji, of course! "Sasuke, don't be a fool. I am not averse to the idea of sex; I merely meant that I do not wish to do it...now." The Hyuuga rises gracefully and wraps his pale arms around Sasuke, who has remained standing in the middle of the cold stone room.

The rainbow sunlight streaming in from the windows illuminates the young man, casting him in long golden shadows-in Neji's appreciative eyes, he looks like a god of old with a fiery, shimmering halo and a thirst for beauty in its purest forms. Lips gently press against the cool flesh of Sasuke's neck, and hands wrap around his naked waist.

"Is marriage ever going to be an option for us, Sasuke?" The somehow sultry voice practically purrs in Sasuke's ear, and Neji can feel the effect his words have on his lover-boy. Ah, the old stiffening of the back, the tightening of the jaw, the complete and utter lack of facial expression...Hello, old friends. Welcome back- it's safe to say we missed you.

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_Twenty-nine minutes later, Naruto Uzumaki barged in. Upon entering his slightly unorthodox abode (for yes, the abandoned church was Naruto's home and had been for the past two hundred years) he noticed that his lovely orange sofa looked strangely unbattered. _

_Eh? _

_He also noticed the distinct lack of Neji-Naruto could always tell when he'd been because somehow the windows would be sparkling and he would be able to see his grinning face in the kitchen floor. Today there was no such thing-instead the blonde appeared to have an angsting, half-naked Sasuke Uchiha collapsed on his sofa, his wings casting enormous shadows over his body and making him look like the poster boy of troubled teenagerhood. (Which, indeed, he was. One of them, anyway.) _

_Aw man, Naruto had been having _such_ a good day..._

_Still, better bite the proverbial bullet. "Hey, Sasuke-bastard! You look pissed, what happened this time?"_

_No answer from the sulker on the sofa, just a rather dramatic groan. Naruto had decided to ignore this in the true spirit of friendship and-having thrown his coat in some murky corner-plonked his orange-clad behind next to Sasuke. _

_Sasuke didn't bat an eyelash-impressive, considering that sharing a sofa with Naruto was the equivalent of willingly snuggling up to three large hippopotami on crack cocaine. A neon arm was promptly wrapped around Sasuke's bare shoulders, and the blue-haired teen winced. Physical contact with Naruto was most definitely the WRONG sort of physical contact..._

_Besides him, Naruto grinned. "So, I get the whole I-must-angst-to-certify-my-non-existent-masculinity and all, believe it, and you do look hot without a shirt, but why isn't Neji joining in? He can angst even better than you when he fancies it!" _

"_Shut up, idiot." Sasuke's reply was (as the blonde had expected) terse, dark and slightly homicidal. Nonetheless, his verbal assailant was undeterred. Cracking out an old packet of chewing-gum, Naruto began to pop bright pink bubbles very, very slowly. _

"_So"-pop-"did he get mad"-pop-"at'choo again?"-poooooooop-"'cos if I were you"-pop-"I'd try and get him to eat more"-pop!-"that whole starvation thing he's got going on CAN'T be good for "-pop-"him, believe it!"_

_Naruto could feel Sasuke twitching. After all, it was a well-known fact that all Uchihas hated bubble-gum! "So, what did you"-pop-"do this time, bastard?"_

"_Uh, nothing. So shut the fuck up, you moron. And stop blowing the god-damned bubbles-you know they get on my nerves. Retard... "_

_Pop! _

"_Fine, I'll fucking talk! Just enough with the motherfucking bubbles!"_

_Verily, Naruto smiled a devil's smile. "Spill, believe it. Agony Aunt Naruto-who shall now be known as Priscilla-is ready to advise. And after that, you can hear about MY day, believe it!" _

"_Good Lord...do I have to do this?"Sasuke looked even paler than usual at the thought of sharing his thoughts and feelings with another sentient being his own age. Heaven forbid it should become a _habit...

"_Yes, bastard! It is vital that you do this, in case your head explodes and you die!" Naruto's funky orange wings flapped around in earnest at the statement, causing Sasuke's pair to droop just that little bit more. However, he may as well try. _

"_Well, uh, Neji and I sort of had an argument..."_

_Naruto (or 'Priscilla', as he was now known) shook his head. "Nuh-uh, Sasuke-bastard, no ambiguity! You either had a fight or you didn't, so who slapped who?"_

_The darker-haired teen glared. "He slapped me."_

"_Thought so, believe it. And why?"_

_The glare intensified. "Because I tried to pressurise him into having sex with me."_

"_Of course. And why did you do that, Sasuke-bastard?"_

_The glare intensified, doubled and bounced off a nearby wall. "Because I am but a hormonal seventeen-year-old who wants to go all the way with the guy he loves?"_

"_Ack, that's mushy but true. And why did he slap you if you said that, yuz yuz?"_

_The glare burnt through another wall and melted a nearby lamp-post. "Because I didn't put it quite like that." At a nudge from Naruto, he soldiered on. "Because I may have been slightly more uncouth than that, whilst refusing to listen to his reasoning. In my defence, he certainly wasn't listening to me and _he's_ meant to be the mature one!"Sasuke wailed, flinging his arms up and inadvertently thwacking Naruto in the jaw. "Uh, sorry. Didn't mean to punch you there."_

"_Yeowch..." Naruto rubbed his aching jaw, but carried on with his ten-a-penny relationship psychology. "So, why wouldn't Neji sleep with you this time, Sasuke-bastard?"_

"_Gyaaah! You know that, idiot-you hear it every time we have this discussion!" A deep breath was taken and the teen's glare vaporised a passing chihuahua. "Fine, moron. He said that his family wouldn't let him do it and that if he were to lose his virginity before marriage he'd be disowned. So I said that was just Academy bullshit, which is true, and that we're teenagers first and foremost-"_

"_Amen, bastard! Lookin' good and horny as hell, that's my motto!"_

"_Shut up! I'm trying to vent here! So I said that we could do whatever we really wanted and that I really wanted to go a bit further. But then Princess Prissypants got all high and mighty and started to ask about marriage."_

_Naruto winced. Marriage and Sasuke-or any form of permanent commitment and Sasuke-was a lethal mix. The loveable emo was delightfully unwilling to enter any sort of permanent bond with any Angel in Heaven. Now, Naruto had never asked why but the blonde felt it had rather a lot to do with the absolute trust and devotion Lil' Sasuke had placed in his dear older brother in the years before the Uchiha Massacre. Just a hint, you understand. _

_And Neji's desire to get married? Naruto decided that the brunette simply wanted to get the fuck away from his family as fast as humanly possible, with or without a willing accomplice. And Sasuke was perfectly willing in some respects...just really, really not in others. _

_It was all a bit of a pickle. Still, Naruto cheerfully resolved that it could easily be fixed if he could somehow deflate both Sasuke's and Neji's empirical-sized walking talking egos. Flopping back on the musty sofa, he slapped Sasuke hard on the back and grinned like a stoned Cheshire Cat. _

"_So, Sasuke-bastard, want to hear about MY day?_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

If one were to mention Naruto Uzumaki in a crowded bar in the middle of downtown Heaven City, the drinkers and merrymakers would probably fall silent. They'd be a little bit shocked and a whole lot disgusted at the audacity one would have had to mention _that name._

If one were to mention that name to Itachi Uchiha, he'd scoff and say that that blonde was the only thing in Heaven with enough sin to rival Deidara.

And if one were to mention that name to Deidara Awarii, he'd laugh and say that Naruto was his friend. Then he'd tell one to fuck off and leave his buddies alone, the kid's done nothing wrong, go and get your own life so you can stop worrying about all the other poor bastards up here.

There is (of course) a reason for all this hatred, and it's not one I like. I do believe some Angelic deeds should be wiped clean off the slate-but to deny a child the right to life is perhaps one that I should be spreading. Purely to highlight the corruption involved, you understand-never assume that I am opening cans of worms because I enjoy the aftertaste. And Naruto's story has a _very_ bitter flavour...

Four hundred and three years ago, a very foolish Angel named Kureshina Uzumaki was assigned a perfectly standard mission-to stop an equally foolish young man named Minato Namikaze dealing drugs and going joyriding whilst drunk and high. Two of his friends had already been killed, and it was Kureshina's job to put an end to this high-spirited nonsense. It sounded easy enough.

Well, not exactly. You see, Minato saw Kureshina and he knew that she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his short life. And she saw him and realised that he was twice as hardcore as any of the Angels back home-you see, they fell in love. And back then the restrictions were just as harsh for wrongdoers, so, when Kureshina and Minato consummated their newfound love, the Angel Academy came crashing down on them hard and fast.

Minato, the Chief Justice Sarutobi decreed, was a vile, perverted sinner and should be kept away from Heaven and Kureshina at all costs-nonetheless, the original plan had been to revoke Kureshina's Angelhood completely and force her to stay on Earth with her lover. However, the young woman had fallen pregnant and it was ruled that whilst Kureshina was a rambunctious slut and a disgrace to Angelkind, no child of Heaven should be raised that close to Hell. So Kureshina and baby were forced to stay, despite her longing to be happy on Earth avec Minato.

Privately, Sarutobi thought they were just a couple of silly children who had had all the bad luck in the world heaped upon them. But since when has the actual opinion of an individual mattered in a democracy? At least the overall outcome had not been too...severe. Only two hearts had been broken this time.

Verily Kureshina carried her pregnancy to term, and bore an Angelic baby...with a hint of something else, something that didn't quite fit into the Academy guidelines. He looked just like his absent father, and had a similar sense of mischief/fun/pure evil. At first, all was not too bad for the young mother and her son-they had a home and a steady supply of protection from High Chief Justice Sarutobi. Admittedly there were...bad bits, but for a while all was fairly tolerable.

And then Kureshina had to go and die, didn't she? She wasn't killed fighting in the Demon Wars-oh no, that would have been far too acceptable!-or even murdered in a hate attack. She quite simply caught a nasty chest infection that, when treated, turned into something much more severe.

It all happened very fast after that. Kureshina died in a coward's way (Angelic ideas at the time were skewed because of the aftermath of the war), Angels almost _rejoiced_ over the death-call it sick, I certainly did-and little Naruto Uzumaki was suddenly very alone indeed. Sarutobi tried to provide for him, but with all of Heaven to worry about, what was one little boy to a very busy man?

So Naruto grew up fast and he grew up tough-certainly tougher than Deidara when it came down to it. The boy lived in an orphanage for a while-but then the Matron kicked him out, claiming he was a child of the Devil. And eventually he found his church, the irony of which he had _always _appreciated.

His time at the Angel Academy was no better-some teachers refused to teach him, and the other students were less than welcoming. When placed in Training Teams for the first time, Sakura Haruno had summed up Heaven's attitude to the boy in two words-"Oh, _eugh!"_

Sasuke had simply ignored him. For the majority of this period, Iruka Umino had been the nicest thing in his life after the miraculous discovery of instant ramen. After all, Iruka had been the one to notice how lonely Naruto had been-inbuilt orphan sympathy, they felt-and had taken him to Heaven's pearly beaches for the first time, and had shown him how to first use his wings. Happy days for them both. But soon after joining Angelic Training Team 7 Kakashi Hatake had strolled into Naruto's life, as had his (less-than-recommending) teammates. And bonds were formed slowly but surely...people began to recognise Naruto for who he was and accept him-admittedly, this had been his crazy Academy class and a few of the nicer Angels, but to Naruto small steps were far better than nothing.

So many Angels still hated Naruto and everything that he had no control over but managed to represent, it was a miracle he had been given an apprenticeship in Fourth Division at all. Although this _was_ Fourth Division, strange things happened there...Sasuke was currently fulfilling a very boring part-time project with Itachi high up in the towers of First Division (but he would have liked to be in Second Division, of course), and Sakura was fighting tooth and nail to become a trainee nurse under Tsunade-sama in Heaven City's primary hospital. Something about intensive care, apparently, although Naruto privately thought Sakura could_ only_ make you worse.

Well, we live and learn.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Meanwhile, Tobi was making a complete pig's ear of the pot of tea he was supposed to be brewing. The Only Kettle in the Office was whistling like a hive of bees and drilling like Eddie Izzard. Somehow, that didn't sound too good. _

_Aw, crap...Sempai's gonna kiiiill meeee..._

"_Hey, Tobi-is that tea ready yet, yeah?"_

_In his panic, Tobi had managed to get his beloved green scarf wound around the HellKettle. "Aaargh! Crikey, Tobi's choking to death on his own scarf! Sempai, Tobi loves you!" A shrill trilling from the HellKettle harmonized nicely with his cries. Eventually releasing himself, Tobi glared with all his quasi-Uchiha might at the offending gadget. _

"_Oh, Tobi _hates_ you!"_

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"So how's your mission going, yeah? I heard you got some crazy punk kid, un."

"Awesome, believe it! I have met the man I fully intend to marry!"

As Tobi struggled with the HellKettle for a HellPot of HellTea, Deidara and Naruto were (of course) gossiping. The two blondes had met once upon a dream in a strange little part of the Academy classrooms and had soon become firm friends, it being they were regarded as the most sinful bastards in Heaven. It's hard to make friends with a pre-destined misconception like that, but it didn't exactly matter to _them_. Deidara had even helped Naruto get an apprenticeship in the Fourth Division-secretly; the younger blonde cherished quite a burning ambition to find his father (provided he wasn't dead.) So far all was going well.

"That good, yeah?"

Naruto's wildly exaggerated hand-n-hip movements told Deidara that it was. "It's fantastic, believe it! My third mission and I have already met the hottest guy on the entire planet! His name's Gaara and he's a total hardcore druggie schizophrenic mass-murderer, but he's only a year younger than me and boy he is HOT!"

Definitely having fun, then. Deidara (resplendent in his very unusual role as the wiser, older benefactor) simply smiled as Naruto lost himself in the wild throes of Gaara-related ecstasy.

"-he's kinda short but he's got this whole smexy evil punk thing going on, believe it, with all the chains and the great big boots and the ripped jeans and the scary eyeliner but he says he was born with it so it's nature over nurture there I think and his hair is just this amazing shade of red but he doesn't dye it and he's skinny, yeah, but _hot _skinny and ohmigod I just love his eyes-they're all big and really scary and he has this totally funky 'love' tattoo and I know he has deeply serious issues and all, believe it, but I really think we could get along. Or something."

Yup, the boy's in lust. But...

"Okay, you fancy the guy, un. What about the mission, yeah? Will he listen?"

Naruto's smile didn't falter. "Not in the slightest! He thinks I'm a large pile of shit who's been taking too many drugs and that I nicked my wings from a fancy dress shop. I ask you, who steals orange wings? But I was just like 'lol, you're real purdy' and then he was just like 'bitch, get the hell out of here you stupid motherfucker' and so I kind of did! This was before he tried to punch me, you see. So I'm not sure how much of an actual _success_ this one will be...believe it."

"Ack, you're doomed. At least my new guy acknowledged my existence, yeah! Mind you, un, he thinks I escaped from his friend's loony bin...It's always redheads, huh? Mine's a psycho too, un."

Naruto and Deidara shared sympathetic looks. Meanwhile, the HellKettle became alive and began to beat Tobi into a mushy pile of pulp. Some things _never_ change.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_And now we come to a different side of this narrative, one that I did not expect to tell. But of course, all tales are necessary? It is in a different direction this time. _

_Kakashi was an excellent Angel in some respects and the largest bastard in the world in others. Depending on what you classed as important he could have be the greatest man to ever walk the planet (when he was alive) or the largest and most obscenely odorous pile of dog excrement you'd ever have stepped in. Charming picture, no? The barracks of the Second Division were his stomping ground (minus the war memorials, of course) and his main redeeming features were his loyalty, his skill and his superhuman ability to turn useless dropouts into Angelic killers. Perhaps not so attractive was the constant reading of that little porn book, leading to a rather large sex drive that'd he'd satisfy almost anywhere-this had got him in deep trouble on several occasions. _

_Not that we talk about those, of course. But Kakashi's...willingness to sleep with all and sundry was rather frowned upon by the goodly Angels of Heaven City. And whilst his wife Rin had died hundreds of years ago in the Demon Wars-surely a man should be allowed to relive his grief?-and as such his chance of sex had plummeted, the fact remained that he liked to carry it on with underage boys. Older women, younger men-that was his unofficial smex motto. _

_Right now he was whipping a handful of new recruits into various shapes. One of them, Tenten, looked particularly peeved. Apparently handstands didn't suit her? _

"_Kakashi-sensei, can we please do something more practical?" Tenten was red and sweaty after the exercise-she was panting slightly and her hands were on her knees. Around her the picture was similar, differing only by the varying degrees of attractiveness the students possessed. _

"_Oh? Are handstands not practical enough?" A silver eyebrow was raised._

_She glared. "Well, I just want to do something more productive with my time! We did handstands back at the Academy-"_

_Ah, the Academy. Kakashi laughed slightly and cracked open his lil' book of porn. "Listen, babies, this is not the Academy. Now don't get me wrong"-he said, silencing any protestors with an apathetic wave of his book-"I know I taught you there too. But this is a leetle bit different-you're focusing completely on one specific task: to withdraw the Holy Spirit from inside you and use it as a highly effective fighting weapon. Whilst I'm hoping that you can already do this, it will take time and a hell of a lot of patience before you're on par with me or, say, a Demon."_

_The students looked huffy-they'd heard this all before. "...And I know you've heard me give this happy little pep-talk a hundred times beforehand, so I'll be brief. Fighting with something as pure as the Holy Spirit is nothing like your previous experiences of utilising it. There you were using it to defend, to help you make rational judgements or to influence a human. Now you're killing with the essence of good-ergo, you need the mental stamina as well as the physical strength to slug a sword around. Get it?" _

_The older Angel paused and drew a deep breath-they wouldn't get the message today or anytime even remotely soon. It would take decades and decades of blood-strewn battlefields and of friends dying for absolutely no gain before they would appreciate how pure of heart you had to be to kill with God's primary powers. How self-righteous and utterly, devastatingly holy..._

_Not just anybody could do it. But it could be used in other ways, of course-highly effective ways on a battlefield-an Angel with no Second Division training but all the power of the Fourth could wreak havoc if made to fight an army of Demons. _

"_But I still don't get why we have to do handstands in giant sumo outfits?" Tenten wailed, cutting through Kakashi's destructive reverie. The man merely smiled. _

"_That, Tenten, would be because I enjoy watching you suffer. Now chop-chop-three hundred sumo handstands won't do themselves!" _

_As one the students groaned, each silently vowing to Kill The Bastard. Theological reasoning be damned, handstands just weren't worth it. _

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------_

People are constantly egocentric-it doesn't matter who or what or what or where they are, they'll think about themselves. Such was the case with Sasori.

"Konan, how are you going with those balaclavas?! I'm getting stressy!"

"Fine, honey, I'm on the ninth. Now why don't you just calm down and drink some nice herbal tea?"

"Look, motherfuckers-I'm all for success but do we have to do the whole breaking-and entering shit? I'd rather fuck a dead weasel than sacrifice the fucking opportunity to bugger up someone's front door..."

"Zetsu, how long do you think it's been since we've seen a decent piece of road kill? **Ah, a while.** **Perhaps we should pick some up after the Heist?** If we survive, that is...**Oh, don't be so **_**gloomy!"**_

"So there were all these kids at the aquarium and they were like "your momma is so stinky, only a fish could take it" and then I was just like "bitch! Don't you go disrespecting my momma, because she is one hell of an attractive lady!" So I yelled a bit and scared them but then I, uh, got thrown out..."

"Exactly how does this relate to-a) money or the distinct possibility of me gaining money in the near future or b) the Big Heist? Kisame, finances won't shrink themselves...It's up to us to scrimp and save! Man, I love the Credit Crunch..."

Yes, once again we come to the petty criminals of the fearless, infamous and quite possibly brainless Akatsuki. These are the men and woman who strike fear into the hearts of greengrocers everywhere in case their Iceberg lettuces or Sicilian plums are plundered, or any lingerie store owner when Hidan barges in with a chocolate gun demanding a pair of panties. Children cry, mothers fret and the police are allowed silent chuckles as they pretend to deal with the heinous crime of graffitting 'AKATZUKI RULEZ' on the back of the Amegakure Infant School's canteen.

Incompetent, yes? It certainly seems so. But if there is one thing I have learnt in life it is that you should_ never_ judge six books by one cover. Perhaps then you will realise that the cover is just that-a cover, a clever little device that allows the other activities of a seemingly harmless and rather hilarious gang of bored friends to be ignored completely, as they say. Akatsuki, they scoff? Oh, they're just a bunch of local yuppies bored out of their skulls. They don't do much except sit around and drink cheap whiskey. Perfectly harmless, would never hurt a fly, unorthodox people certainly but by the by they're lovely chaps-one of them is on the city council, you know.

That would be a reaction from any Amegakure civilian. However, if you were to mention something slightly different to an officer from Suna or Konoha (to name but a few) you'd get something very different indeed...

"Red Dawn? Holy shit, where? Bob, get backup and the Special Forces-we give 'em all we've got or die try-what do you mean they're not actually here? Jeez, lady, you could've said..."

Yes! With the Big Heist looming it is vital that you realise that Akatsuki and Red Dawn are, whilst both sounding extremely stupid, two _very different things. _

The Akatsuki, for example, trundle around in a little van painted like the Mystery Machine. They go and buy ice creams at Amegakure's recreation ground and on Sundays they go and sing 'Sweetly Comes the Donkey' to old people.

Red Dawn, however, hate old people. Their getaway van is blacker than the night and twice as fast. If they ever have the misfortune to be in a playground they like to stomp on all the little children. Red Dawn does assassinations, they do protection, they supply drugs to people like Shino Aburame, they steal the life savings of old women and they don't give a fuck about whose hearts they're breaking in the process. Such is life. People cannot mask who they are for very long, and when Hidan, Pein, Konan, Kakuzu, Kisame and Zetsu first met, each saw something...unusual in the other.

You could call it evil. Mind you, ambition and power were also there. Loneliness too, and despair-a burning desire to be accepted by a heinously judgemental society. Overwhelming insanity? Perhaps...but people are what they are. To change Red Dawn would be akin to parting the Red Sea (a miracle of Biblical proportions.) And if we could, would we?

So, they're hated hardened criminals and they're planning to rob a bank complete with balaclavas, insider knowledge (praise be to Zetsu!), lots of dynamite, walkie-talkies and more AK 47s than you could shake a stick at. Sounds good to me...

But one happy little Akatsuki elf was not quite feeling the delightful robbing vibes. This was, of course, Sasori no Akasuna. And he was _ever so slightly_ beginning to reconsider his life thanks to the more-than-a-little manipulative influences of one Deidara Awarii, Angelic Guidance Counsellor Supreme!

Over the past few weeks everyone's favourite blonde had been incredibly busy influencing Sasori in every way possible-and soon enough the poor man found his sheets cleaned, his windows open, his thoughts pure and his apartment filled with joyful springtime flowers. Furthermore, he found that he rather liked _not_ smoking three joints before bedtime and not getting through an entire crate of whiskey a week...Sasori had been very tentatively introduced to the prospect of clean living and now if one were to enter his apartment they would see a happy haven, complete with a copy of Good Housekeeping on the coffee table and no porn in sight. Well done, Sasori!

Obviously these changes were not permanent-Angels influence their targets by sending emotions and thought waves into their targets by using the Holy Spirit, so in essence they could have complete control over a man's emotions. However, this change is never permanent-for a mission to be a true success the human must realise that their lifestyle is wrong and actively _want to change!_ Then it's full steam ahead, promotion for the Angel...

And thus Sasori was seriously reconsidering going ahead with the Big Heist.

"Uh, guys? I have an objection to make."

The squabbling lumps of matter that he deigned to occasionally call his friends stopped bickering and looked at the redhead. Then Kisame spoke up.

"Oh God...is it moral or social?"

Sasori simply glared. "Moral, actually. And what the hell is a social objection?"

"No idea". The blue-haired man shrugged. "Talk to Pein, we honestly don't give a shit."

"Fine then!" Sasori turned around to see the man himself calmly sucking up camomile tea through a plastic straw. And then he blinked.

"You know, drinking warm beverages through a straw only makes them warmer. So if you're trying not to burn your tongue you've failed miserably" he said in a distinctly bored tone.

Pein merely smiled. "Judge as you will, but the calming effects o' herbal tea should _never_ be underestimated."

"Whatever. Anyway, I have a moral objection to the Big Heist."

A ginger eyebrow was raised, but soon fell again under the weight of the seventy-six piercings it contained. "Oh? Any particular reason why?"

"Eh, not really. I just thought that perhaps instead of going in through the super-guarded way and blasting our way through we could instead sneak in through the vents and_ not_ kill all the staff we happen to come across. You know, as a matter of principle."

"And this is coming from Mr-I-Slaughtered-My-Parents-And-Turned-Them-Into-Puppets-At-The-Age-Of-Two? I always knew you were a hypocrite, you ginger bastard."

"Excuse me? Anyway, relax. I'm not trying to sabotage the Big Heist-I'm not _stupid_. We all need the money. I'm just...trying to prevent needless loss of human life. Really."

"I still don't believe you. Are you on different drugs again? Because you know that every time you steal someone else's prescribed medication a puppy dies. How many puppies have you killed today, Sasori? How many puppies?"

"I haven't killed any motherfucking puppies! I've just...become a better person who wishes to share a long and happy life-"(Pein snorted)-"with others who would otherwise die because of our course of action."

Noisily, Pein slurped up the last of his camomile tea. "Well, do what you like. If you can convince the others I _really_ don't give a shit as long as we get the money. You _do_ still want the money, right?"

"Fuck yeah! I haven't paid my electricity bill in _weeks_..."

"Good. Otherwise I think I'd have to kill you. So yeah, it's just if you can convince the others..." With that, Pein got to his feet and swept over with a swish of his distinctly metrosexual Akatsuki robes to where his beloved wife Konan was _still_ knitting the bloody balaclavas.

"But by the way...I _did_ promise Hidan that we could have a teensy-weensy killing spree, and he's been _so_ good all week....only sacrificing squirrels, you know...so good luck!"

And in the corner Hidan stabbed a cockroach with a piece of cheese before eating it. "Die, you motherfucking roaches! As Jashin said-'when the roaches die, thank me they didn't turn into giant killer aliens and eat you first'. So by eating this filthy piece of pussy I am doing you heathens a glorious favour..."

Oh dear. Somehow Sasori's newfound love of humanity seemed a tad inconvenient...

Up in Heaven, Deidara sighed. Who the fuck eats cockroaches and cheese anyway?

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**That's all for now! I'm really sorry about the long wait-I was working on something else and my Internet has sort of broken...**

**Apologies if any of the characters (NEJISASUKENEJI) were OOC, there are some I just can't seem to take seriously. And I know there's no SasoDei action (that's in the next chapter!) but we **_**did**_** get to meet Naruto!**

***belated whoop***

**Anyway, thank you for reading. See you next time!**


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